Star Warz: Trilogy 3
by The Compendium of Steve
Summary: After several months of hiatus, I broke my word and began writing trilogies again. The peace of the galaxy is shattered by a swift, malevolent force that may prove too difficult for the Jedi. Can they save the day? Who is really behind the galaxy's woe? Let silliness reign! (Transcribed by the ever-awesome overmind2000)
1. Prologue

**Star Warz**

**Episode ?:**

**Prologue to the End**

_It is a time of peace in the galaxy. With the thwarted efforts of both the Fan Boy Armada and Henry the Designer, everything was going quite well for the Republic. In fact, everything was going so well that there was no fan fiction to bring anything new. Whether there are fans to these trilogies or not, the fact remains that things are getting boring, so here I am writing again. To think, I retired so long ago now I'm back in the fray due to boredom, and geez this is gonna hurt my hand. Any who, before starting this new enthralling tale, I'll take the time to update everyone on what's been happening:_

_It's been 3 years since the fall of Henry the Designer. Because of persistent peace, the Jedi find themselves with nothing to do, so they decide to separate in order to find new thrills. Joseph went off to find his calling as a bounty hunter: to sail the seven sectors of the galaxy, get rich and swoon every lady he comes across. Though the lady part isn't going so well, the other parts he did quite nicely. In fact, business was so well he won himself the Millennium Falcon from Han Solo in a game of cards. As a result, his chances with the ladies improved because hey, that's a sexy ship. As of now he is doing Kessel runs and has been with one Twi'lek, who was never heard from again due to reasons of embarrassment._

_Will and Sara got married while retaining their Jedi status, saying "These are old Jedi rules. We're the next generation of Jedi, baby!" At first people didn't like this, but after seeing how cute the two were together, they allowed the change. They are occasionally called upon to settle other-world problems, but generally live a quiet life on Coruscant._

_Jared left from the Jedi and fell into obscurity. Personally he wasn't that much of an important character so don't question my judgment, mortals!_

_General Chris got robotic limbs and retired on a world of endless beaches, sun and fun. I wish I could write the name of that planet but I don't have my references at the moment but maybe you can think of one. He has had no contact with the Jedi for quite some time now._

_The band of former nerds led by Ted still work for the Jedi. Yet in their spare time they still work the slow healing process for all the nerds still traumatized by their immense pwning. The coward of the group, Hugo, is still a coward._

_Anna and Copeland hooked up and travel the galaxy freely as wanderers. At times they will go out to perform minor misdeeds like steal candy from babies and other devious yet funny acts because Anna is evil like that. Copeland's happiness and sanity levels have vastly improved since being so far away from Squishy, whom he still despises at times._

_Finally, we have the biggest success story yet. Squishy was left with the Century Sparrow since no one wanted to be associated with the Cutesie Cannon __ever__again. Taking the ship along with a huge list of supplies, he set out in search of greatness. Within months he managed to relocate great quantities of Jawas from Tatooine, and with the help of some Ithorian technicians, he managed to build Jawa Home: the largest space station ever built. It was a place created for Jawas and all races in general with a design similar to an Ithor herder ship, only 12 times bigger and holding biomes suitable for most specialized races. This made Jawas space traders as well as desert handymen, and very good ones at that. Construction of Jawa Home began and finished close to Bakura, and also served as a tourist attraction for anyone who could make the trip (which is practically everyone, I mean come on :P)._

_In a surprise twist to the whole galaxy, Squishy formed an alliance with the (dun-dun-dun!) Ssi-Ruuvi race: dreaded killer velociraptors from space! In a press conference, Squishy revealed he intended to have Jawa Home built where it was for this exact reason. Though negotiations were hostile at first, Squishy in time managed to show the reptiles the true good of this alliance. One of the first deals made was an alternative energy source for Ssi-Ruuvi technology proposed by Squishy, where instead of using the souls of unwilling captives, they could harness the power of dancing from willing volunteers. This proved to be far more efficient and powerful than the old entechment method, and also saved countless underling lives. And through his great enthusiasm, charm and the power of dance, Squishy turned the Ssi-Ruuvi into one of the most liked, cool-to-be-with races around, realizing the silliness of their religious beliefs. While there are some that still stick to the old ways fiercely, the rest of the race dubbed them as wet blankets and went on to enjoy their fresh new perspective._

_In time, they learned Basic and started working at Jawa Home as gratitude to the little man who opened them up to the galaxy, and also donated a plethora of ships and remodeled battle droids. At this moment, the controls of Jawa Home are being run by a hip, rad Ssi-Ruuvi nicknamed Steezy, along with other coolster such as Ithorians and Jawas. For now, Squishy is bringing new inventions unto the galaxy to express his creative mind, and is having a pretty fine time in his chambers, lounged at his desk and overlooking his vast accomplishments._

_So there you have it. The galaxy is fine, and all the Jedi are pretty much living the sweet life (well, Squishy at lea$t). So nothing can go wrong, right? Yet there seems to be a shadow looming over this serenity. Could it be a new threat, or the effect of a glare on the camera lens?_

_Find out, in this next exciting episode of Star Warz!_


	2. Episode 1

**Star Warz**

**Episode OMG:**

**Copycat Dawn**

**aka**

**The Return of Looming Loomers**

_It is a time of peace. For 3 years, not one major conflict has arisen in the galaxy. Facing immense boredom, the Jedi separate to find new things to do._

_With Joseph a bounty hunter, Will & Sara married, Anna & Copeland wanderers, Squishy successful, and Jared better off dead, things are looking nice. With the creation of Jawa Home, Squishy's ginormous space station, great progress in peace and intergalactic exchange are achieved along with the peaceful alliance of the once-ferocious Ssi-Ruuk race._

_However, a shadow looms at the edge of the galaxy. A new__threat eyes the galaxy with interest and moves ever closer to it. In time, this new evil shall be revealed as an enemy unlike any the galaxy has seen before..._

(Show Yavin 4 orbit. Turn down to jungle. Close-up of wildlife as a shadow appears over them. Animals scurry as an overview of the jungle shows more shadows spaced apart. Back into space where there are black shapes over the surface. Switch to Kashykk, where Wookies look up to see more black shapes and shadows. Turn now to Rodia, then to one of its biggest casinos. 2 people in robes are walking on a walkway out of the casino: tall and dour-looking Copeland, and stout but chipper Anna)

Copeland: (Looking into a bag) Great... 200,000 credits down the drain, at the same place.

Anna: Don't worry. (Pulls out card) With these accounts, we can lose all the money we want.

Copeland: Yeah, well, what would be the point of coming to a casino? We might as well throw that money in the ocean.

Anna: Maybe we will on the next planet.

Copeland: (Grumbles)

Anna: (Pats his head) Relax. You know I love you. (Gives him kiss. They arrive at a spaceport)

Anna: Huh. Do you remember where we parked?

Copeland: Hold on I'll check.

(Pulls out remote, pushes button and a bleep bleep reveals their ship's location. They get in and take their seats in the cockpit)

Anna: (Stretches a bit) Well, that was fun.

Copeland: I found it a bit disappointing.

Anna: At least Squishy isn't here to dog you about it.

Copeland: Any occasion without Squishy is a good one.

Anna: See? You're feeling better already.

(Copeland checks panel and notices shadow outside. Pokes head out viewport)

Copeland: What's this idiot doing? Hey! Moron! Clear the airspace!

Anna: (Pokes out head) Huh, I don't recognize that ship type. (Things start brightening) I wonder what that glowing thing is?

(Area gets far brighter, and there is a growing whirring sound)

Copeland: Ohh...

(Switch to space where explosions dot the planet surface. More shapes loom toward the atmosphere and a shape blocks the view. Turn to Coruscant, then to planet surface where the buildings glisten and the skyways are packed. Turn to a high rise suite where Will is sitting down watching the Hologrid. Sara walks in)

Sara: Are you planning to sit here all day long?

Will: Maybe. I can't think of anything else to do.

Sara: Look at you: all lazy and such. It's as if someone pumped you full of estrogen.

Will: Why the hostility? Have you been talking to Jo? How is that creep?

Sara: No, Will, I haven't been talking to Jo. Listen, all I'm saying is that we should go out. How 'bout lunch somewhere nice?

Will: (Gets up and turns off Hologrid) I don't know. Traffic seems packed and I have to find something to wear.

Sara: Please, Will. Pleasseeeeee... (Hugs Will)

Will: Oh alright, we'll go out. (Returns hug. A beeping goes off and Will pushes a button on a box) Yeah, what do you want? You're interrupting a very intimate moment here.

Voice: Yes, well, you've been arranged for a meeting with the governor in 30 minutes.

Will: Too early. You know I don't get up until 4.

Voice: Yes, well, you have to come nonetheless. Lady Sara, you are to come as well. See you then. (Cuts off)

Will: Great. Now I have to find something to wear.

Sara: Don't worry; we'll have lunch afterwards. It'll be fine.

Will: I know it will. (Gives kiss. Turn to outside Coruscant political headquarters, then turn to meeting room with Sara, Will, and the Governor standing around a long table)

Governor: Thank you for coming to this quota meeting. Sleep well?

Will: Yeah, I did.

Governor: Swell then! Now let's look over the various city statistics of the last month. Crime?

Sara: Low.

Gov: Murder?

Will: Nada.

Gov: Economy?

Sara: Looking great.

Gov: Hostilities between races?

Will: Zip.

Gov: Terrorism?

Sara: Has fallen into myth, sir.

Gov: Well gosh darn it! Things are downright peaceful around here!

Will: Hey, what's with you sounding more assertive?

Gov: Oh, all this quiet is riling me up and making me antsy for some action! What we need is something to spice things around here so I can unleash my political prowess, and shout out to the galaxy that I am-

(An escape pod crashes through the room making much mess, noise and dust)

Gov: Noooooo! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!

Intern: Sir, put down the binky! You're a grown man, darn it!

Gov: Mummy... mummy...

Sara: What the freak just happened!?

Will: I don't know! I think it it landed in the next room; come on!

(They trudge through wreckage and dust to find the pod within a crater. A leg kicks open the hatch and Copeland and Anna crawl out)

Sara: Alex? Anna? What happened? Why're you here?

Copeland: Ugh... some water would be nice.

Anna: (Pouting) They stole my boots!©

Will: Let's get them out of here.

(Turn to an apartment room where Anna and Cope are recovering with blankets and cocoa. Sara, Will, the Governor and his Intern are there as well)

Anna: Man, that's some good cocoa.

Will: So what happened to you guys?

Copeland: We were attacked on Rodia.

Sara: Rodia? By who?

Copeland: I don't know! We were barely able to escape our ship before it got blasted, so their identities were the least of our worries.

Anna: Their ships were black and round, with really big and shiny lasers underneath them.

Sara: Black round ships...

Anna: Yeah, they were blowing up everything in sight as we ran. We were able to get on a blockade runner that was just leaving and the sight from space... oh my god, what a sight. Before we hit hyperspace, more of those ships were coming from everywhere.

Will: So Rodia is lost?

Cope: We can only assume. It's just lucky the pilot recognized us as Jedi and got us out of there fast.

Sara: Then what happened?

Anna: We told the pilot to head straight to Kuat so we could alert Coruscant, and he agreed. Yet when we got there, the ship yards were overrun by those things and the planet was under fire. Then - they must've followed us - the ship was bombarded and attacked. Alerts were going out about boarders, and the ship was constantly shaking. We were too busy running from explosions to see what was boarding, though. Me and Alex got to the pods and ejected immediately. Not too long after, we saw the ships detach and the blockade runner explode. With no alternative, we set course for Coruscant and drifted for days. It was just fortunate we managed to land here while the planetary shields were down.

(Will and Sara give the Governor a look)

Gov: (Looking ashamed) Well, with no war going on, I didn't see the point...

Will: Well that's behind us now. Right now, it's official we've lost two planets, possibly more. What's our course of action, guys?

Sara: We should contact the others and warn them. Squishy will be easy, but we don't know where Jo is, or whatever happened to Jared. And planetary defenses here need to be readied as well.

Copeland: I don't know if we can ready ourselves fast enough. They sure can keep up pretty quick despite such small craft.

Will: We can still try, darn it!

Anna: Please, stop! All this unnecessary bickering is giving me a headache.

Gov: (Looking out window) Say, is that Squishy friend of yours supposed to be coming here today?

Sara: No, why?

Gov: It seems some of his weird ships have come.

Anna & Cope: What!?

(All go to window. Outside various ships, mostly saucers, descend and hover over the city)

Cope: Oh, My, God!

(Lights appear beneath the ships and start blasting buildings, creating chaos. Soon more ships appear in the sky)

Anna: Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crapppp!

Gov: This isn't good. This isn't good. This isn't good. Oh, I can't face this crap again.

Cope: Calm down, Governor. It was bound to happen. Will, what do we do?

Will: Alright, let me think. Intern! Contact Ted and the others and have them leave the planet and go somewhere far and secluded until they get orders from us. Sara, we need to get back to the suite to get our lightsabers. You guys have yours?

Anna: Yeah, we do.

Will: Good. Okay people, we all must move out as quickly as possible. Who knows when they'll touch down for raids.

Intern: Sir! Ted and his men have been given the orders and are leaving now.

Will: Good! Let's move out! That means you too, Governor.

Gov: Oh man. I'm not cut out for this sort of crap.

(Turn back outside where more chaos ensues and the ships are getting lower. Turn to suite, where the group arrives)

Sara: Hurry up, Will!

Will: I've got 'em! (Throws her a saber) Right, let's leave.

Intern: YAAAAAAHHH! (Show Intern running into room) Icky alien invaders! (Runs to balcony and falls off screaming)

Copeland: You moron!

(Door blows apart and amid the dust are small figures with glowing eyes. One raises a gun that charges up)

All: Governor!

(The gun fires. Will jumps but misses and crashes as the bolt hits the Governor's head. After a flash we see the Governor bald)

Gov: YeeAAAAAHH! I'm, completely bald! (Faints)

Cope: We've got to go! Now!

Sara: But what about the Gov-

Cope: Leave him! We must go! (They all run to the balcony) We'll go down the side of the building.

(They leap from balcony to balcony down the building. They soon pass the Intern, whose leg is caught in wire and is hanging upside down)

Intern: Umm... hey, can someone help me? I appear to be stuck and can't seem to get out. Hellooo? Anyone? (Lights surround him) NOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO BE ABDUCTED! (Gets pulled up offscreen. Now show more overviews of people stampeding, explosions and lots of fire. Also many people are being sucked up into some of the saucers. Turn to the Jedi as they reach a wrecked hanger)

Will: We got to keep moving.

Sara: Wait! Why can't we take the royal shuttle?

Will: Can't go far enough. We need something faster.

(They keep moving. There are screams and explosions galore. They soon find a Naboo shuttle)

Will: Thank God for Gungan Charity Week. Get on!

(They run in and buckle up. The ship soon lifts off and leaves the hanger before there's a huge explosion. They zip through the crumbling city and exploding ships. Finally they hit space and speed away)

Sara: (Looking out) My God... it's full of ships.

(After they go off into hyperspace, we see hundreds and hundreds of ships descend unto the burning planet. Later we see the shuttle return to regular, empty space)

Anna: So, why are we out here? What are you planning?

Will: Okay, though some of you won't like this, there is only one person who can help us. We have to go to Squishy.

Cope: Wait! No, there's got to be somebody else, just anybody but that pest!

Sara: He's got a point, Alex. We would go to Jo, but we don't know where he is, and Squishy is always in his one place.

Anna: Besides, knowing him, he may still be standing after all this.

Will: So face it: we have no choice. I'm contacting him. (Will dials a number while Cope sits grumpily back. After a while a holoscreen pulls up, showing a business-type Twi'lek woman)

Lady: Squishy Enterprises: how may I help you?

Will: Yeah, I'd like to speak to Squishy right now if possible.

Lady: And may I ask who is speaking?

Will: Uh, this is Will, along with his Jedi pals. We really want to talk to him right now.

Lady: (Looks at something) I'm sorry. I see no appointments involving a "Will and Jedi pals".

Anna: Ohh, move over! (Shoves aside Will) Listen here, princess! We've had a rough day, and the fate of the galaxy is hanging in the balance! We demand to speak to your boss right now or else!

Lady: Please, ma'am, there's no point in yelling. Just give me your name and I'll arrange an appointment for you.

?: (Offscreen) Hey, who's that on the line?

Lady: No one, sir. Just someone named Will and friends.

?: Who? Will!? What the freak are you doing!? Move aside you bimbo!

(A short Jawa knocks the lady offscreen and takes up the chair)

Squishy: Well speak of the devil whom I don't worship. Anna, Will! How the heck are you? What's the reason for this pleasant transmission out of the blue?

Will: It's nice to see you too, Squish. Listen, we need a place to stay. Bad things are going down.

Squishy: Bad things? Like what?

Will: It's a long story, but there's a new enemy involved, and we've lost Coruscant.

Squishy: WHAT!? Coruscant! To think I was just planning a surprise visit for you there. Is Sara alright?

Sara: (Leans in) I'm alright, Squishy.

Squishy: Oh, phew, glad to see you're okay too. But uh, yeah, that doesn't sound too good what's going on. But don't worry; you come right over and we can talk things over while you relax. Where are you now?

Will: Some empty patch of space a good distance from Coruscant.

Squishy: Well it might take a while for you to get here, but our doors will always be open for you.

Will: Nice to hear that. See you then. (Screen turns off)

Sara: Well that wasn't so bad ,Alex.

Cope: He doesn't know I'm here yet.

Anna: Oh boy...

(They re-enter hyperspace. After a long while they return to normal space)

Will: Okay. Coming in on final approach.

Sara: Gee. I've never been here before. I wonder what it's like.

Anna: Well we're about to find out.

(Soon we see an approaching circular station of mass proportions)

Sara: Whoa... that thing's big.

Voice: Hello, and welcome to Jawa Home. Please follow the beacons to your designated hanger.

(The ship glides into a large hanger. Once they land they step out to find Squishy waiting for them)

Squishy: Welcome! Welcome to my humble abode! It's so good to see you Will and Sara! Anna, of all people to be here on such an occasion! (Gives neutral look to Cope) Oh, I see you came as well.

Cope: Don't make this any harder than this already is.

Squishy: Okay, then I'll just all of you a pleasant little tour. You really need to come here more often, but as it is, I'll have to show you the whole facility.

(They leave the hanger and enter a wide hall with a nice skylight. Prepare for much reading)

Squishy: As you know, Jawa Home is the ultimate achievement in racial diversity and recreation. Over the past few years, this place has grown to a mini-empire of sorts. (Pass some aliens) While the residents are mostly Jawas, this place is a cornucopia of various races. Turn here. (Enter a room of different halls and a map) Thanks to Ithorian technicians and my creative genius, this place has been fitted with specific living areas that are comfortable to any and all races who come here, even Hutts. My personal favorite is the Mon Calamari suite because, heck, who doesn't like the ocean? For now, let's just move on to my office. (They go down one hall) Not only is this a place of fun and creativity, but it is also headquarters for some of my more charitable work. We all know the devastation Mon Calamari faced with that whole resurrected Emperor hoopla, and I am working to rebuild what was lost there. Also, I have donated a wind cathedral to Vortex, and I'm currently in the progress of helping those who have suffered from the destruction of the 13 planets from the last trilogy. Any questions?

Anna: Yeah. Do you like to hear yourself talk?

Squishy: Oh, you should know that by now. Welp, here's my office.

(They enter a doors that lead to a spacious office with some steps and a desk with a large window behind it showing the vast expanse of the station)

Squishy: Welcome to my chambers, y'all. (Lounges at desk) So, what's the bad nasty going down this time?

Will: I'll be brief: there's a new enemy attacking the galaxy. They've taken Rodia, Kuat, Coruscant and maybe some others. The Governor is either captured or dead.

Squishy: Oooh, sounds bad. What are they exactly?

Sara: They're some kind of saucer people: flying saucers, blasting everything, abducting citizens, really short and with glowing eyes.

Squishy: Mmmm... pretty strange. And I assume they interrupted your wandering as well? (Looks to Anna)

Anna: We were on Rodia when it happened, and we saw them take Kuat. They're sure a lot of them at each planet.

Squishy: So it's a massive armada, eh? No worries: this place also specializes in making some pretty nifty weapons. What about Jo?

Will: MIA. We have no idea where he is.

Squishy: Then that's the first thing we need to do: get Jo. Like they say: the more Jedi the merrier. (The Twi'lek secretary appears on desk screen) What is it now; can't you see I'm busy?

Lady: Sorry, sir, but a ship came from the direction of Bakura. Someone calling himself Gabagabagaba Wakaar wishes to speak with you.

Squishy: Bakura, huh? (Looks out window and sees nothing) Alright, put him onscreen until I can see this ship. (The screen changes to an odd silhouette) Okay, what is it that you want?

?: Boka wacka dacka nacka ca ca werka werka berka der.

Squishy: Sorry, we only speak Basic here. Get a translator on so we can better talk.

?: Nerka herka wobba yabbo yabbo. (Raises pincers and glows eyes) Skee skee ya na waba shekon nar ga... Yappan! (Suddenly there are rumblings around the station)

Squishy: What the heck!?

Cope: (Looking out window) Holy crap!

(They all look out. Right before their eyes, groups of the odd saucers speed toward the station, blasting it from a distance)

Squishy: Hey! They can't do that to my station! (Pulls out comm unit) Attention Jawa and Ssi-Ruuk squads. Get to battle stations. Upon enemy contact, execute Operation Wrecking Ball. (Puts away comm) Now you're about to see our attack formations in action.

(They look out. From the station comes some odd ships with arms, along with a large round one. They stop before the advancing ships. Then they starting jigging and making arm signals. Finally one shoots a large chain out to the round ship. Then the chain-bearer starts to spin, pulling the round ship with it. Eventually they move at a steady clip and spin toward the enemies. The huge ball smashes through the first ships while lasers on it pick off the ones it missed. In no time the initial wave is decimated)

Squishy: Ho-yeah! It's about time I found a use for that old ball and chain.

Cope: Worse pun ever.

?: Uh, sir?

Squishy: (Pulls out comm) Yes pilot, what is it?

Pilot: There are more ships coming in faster than the ball can smash em, and some have already passed us.

Squishy: Well close the hangers and get the turrets a-firing!

Pilot: The hangers are closed, but they're latching to different parts of the station for forced boarding.

Squishy: (Contemplates) Okay. Evacuate the areas they're latching onto and seal them shut. Have the rest of the formations come out and blast those ships apart. Those wannabe boarders will be sucked back into space.

Pilot: What about you, sir?

Squishy: Me... I've got some tricks up my sleeve yet. Squishy out. (Puts away comm and claps hands) Well. Who's up for a ride?

(Show them running down halls)

Anna: So what's your plan now, Sir Squishy?

Squishy: Well, I was thinking we'd go for a space ride. You know, try to find Jo.

Cope: What!? Now, during an attack on your station!?

Squishy: Sure. Everyone onboard has been trained and prepared for this sort of thing for a long time. This place will do just fine without me. Besides, I might get to blast a few invader scum on the way out.

(They continue running. The sky lights are filled with saucers, both intact and exploding. Soon they enter a blue hallway covered in rubble)

Squishy: We're almost at my personal hanger. Keep moving!

(They continue running until there's an explosion ahead of them. They stop and notice two small emerging figures)

Sara: Eeeeek!

(As the dust clears the creatures are revealed. They are small, purple, spotted mushroom creatures with pincers for hands)

Squishy: Huh. Those guys seem familiar.

(The creatures pull out lasers. The Jedi whip out their sabers) It's time for battle!

Cope: Wha-!?

(The screen flashes and battle music is played. Now we have a side view of the Jedi standing across from the creatures. Squishy goes to the middle)

Squishy: Hey! This is your first battle in a long time, right? Let me reacquaint you with the controls. (Walks over to Cope) It's very simple, really. Just press A to begin the attack, then press A again to fight these creatures.

Cope: Huh? What the freak are you talking about!? What "A"!?

Squishy: Just do it!

(Cope then selects an enemy, and slashes it dead with a saber. Then Will does the same. Then they all do victory poses as a chart tallies their winnings)

Anna: Huh? Where'd all these credits come from? Ah well.

(They then return to normal and continue running. Suddenly two more creatures attack from above, forcing a return to the battle screen. The two creatures fire first, but the sabers bounce them back and kill them instantly)

Squishy: Wow. I was going to say press A to jump over them, but that works too.

Cope: Again, what "A"'s are you talking about!?

(They pose again and get credits. They move on some more)

Squishy: We're almost there. Pray there aren't any more random battles, or worse...

(They move quickly. Suddenly there's a great rumbling and shaking. Then in front of them, a circular section of wall is cut out and a hatch opens down through it. From its depths comes an orange mushroom man with a thick mustache. After a moment of stillness, he starts to move briskly and make poses to showcase his 'stache. Water from somewhere hits the 'stache, causing light to glisten and glitter off it. He looks most graceful)

Will: Who the heck is this character?

(Then to sultry Latino music, the creature pulls out a ball and licks it. He then rolls it at the group, catching on fire along the way. When it nears them Will kicks the ball back and smacks the shroom-man, catching his mustache on fire. He runs around screaming and waving wildly before collapsing. After some silence it arises looking pissed, then it slaps on another mustache, pulls out a whistle and blows into it. Suddenly, dozens of purple shrooms rush from the ship and line up in formation. The mustachioed shroom then points at the Jedi and blows his whistle)

Squishy: Boss battle time!

(Screen flashes to different music we return to battle. Yet when the Jedi attack, they don't instantly kill the orange shroom)

Will: What's the deal? Why isn't he dead yet?

Squishy: The boss typically have more HP than their lackeys, and very rarely die from one or two hits. So a more damaging approach is needed. Observe. (Jumps onto Cope's back)

Cope: Hey! What the-! Get off me you lump!

Squishy: Easy; we're still in a tutorial! Anyways, when you go to attack, press X so that I give a slash, then you press A to add your slash to the mix and cause cumulative damage.

Cope: Exactly what were you smoking to be saying these-

Squishy: CHARGE!

Cope: Grrrr! (They attack as per instructions)

Squishy: Would any of the ladies be interested?

Anna: No way you're getting on my back!

Sara: Not while Will's here.

Will: Hey!

(Show orange shroom stamping a foot waiting)

Squishy: We'll be with you in a minute. Now, since you refuse, a new tactic is required. (Pulls out a shiny green turtle shell)

Cope: Oh god don't tell me-

Squishy: This shell could be used as an ultra cumulative damage tool. Simply press the buttons in accordance to who is suppose to kick it. Also, (hops on shell) press X when I hit him to add extra damage. Now pump it up!

(The kicking starts. The shells hits, ricochets, get kicked back and repeats between the girls. The pace increases and signs pop up in order of "good", "great", "sweet" and finally "d**n". Soon the shell breaks and a three-figure damage count is shown)

Squishy: Dude, you got served! Now you can attack, orange guy. Prepare to parry like crazy, y'all!

(The orange guy blows his whistle and there is some rumbling. WTF signs pop over the Jedi's heads as purple underlings rush to get punted or spun by the commander toward the Jedi. They then commence to slash repeatedly at the growing droves of cronies. Soon the attack ends)

Squishy: Now it's your turns again. (Pulls out another shell) Hit me, Will! (Will kicks, shell bounces off orangie, Cope readies kick but moves aside to let Squishy go careening away) Curse you!

Anna: Alex!

Cope: He was annoying the heck out of me. Besides, we don't need derivative button pressing to take this freak out.

(They continue the attack and dodge the commander's attacks. Finally he kneels and pants)

Will: Ah, finally. It's over.

(But the shroom regains his composure and looks infuriated. He then pulls out a flag and turns offscreen and starts making a whistle beat. Suddenly a group of purplies carry in a humongous bomb, which the commander lights up its fuse. They then set it down and and put it in a gentle roll. Return to the normal screen where the bomb is blocking the Jedi's escape. The shrooms can be heard giggling wildly)

Sara: Oh no! What are we going to do!?

Squishy: Make way!

(Squishy speeds in on the shell and knocks the bomb back. We then see it roll the shrooms back onto the ship. The force of impact causes it to detach and zip back into space, where it soon explodes. Back on station, a metal wall seals away the large vacuum caused by the ship's departure)

Anna: Kinda close timing there, huh Squish?

Squishy: Well if some people didn't send me bouncing all over the place. But right now we must go.

(Soon they reach the hanger) Ah, there she is. Everyone onboard, quickly!

(They all hop onto a large craft. Inside they find beads, shag carpeting and funky colors galore)

Cope: What the heck is this?

Squishy: You're telling me you already forgot the Sparrow?

All: The what!?

(Squishy sits at the controls and lifts off. Soon they're out in space to find relative calm around the station)

Squishy: Oh... they've already cleared the space.

Sara: More of them are bound to show up, though.

Squishy: In that case, I believe it's time for this station to vamoose. (Pushes button) Come in Steezy.

Steezy, where you at?

(A screen turns on to show a Ssi-Ruuk wearing shades)

Steezy: Hey boss man. What's happening? There's been all this rumbling, and now things got quiet.

Squishy: It won't be quiet for long. I'm gonna tend to some personal business out here, so get the station out of here to some place more peaceful.

Steezy: Got ya, little dude. Your palace is in safe claws with me. Later. (Screen turns off. Turn to a control room within station where we see Steezy and some other races) Okay, listen up! Things are getting hot around here and we need to leave! Call back all ships and ready for re-lo-cation!

Ithorian: Oh man this is gonna get wild.

Jawa: Recalling ships!

Ewok: Yub-yub!

(Show ships returning to station. Now show Steezy pulling up a a mike)

Steezy: Alright, ladies and gentlemen! We're about to experience a change in scenery, so all personnel get into position for charge up!

(Show lots of Jawas and other races scrambling to take positions in the halls around the station. Once they stop, turn to control room)

Jawa: All ships returned and everyone's in position.

Steezy: Okay! Now it is time, to, boogey! (Pushes a button)

(A large disco ball descends within the center of the station. Then all the personnel begin dancing one synchronized dance to funky music. Then we see from outside different ringed sections are spinning in opposite directions. Arriving enemy ships close in with ? over their tops. The dancing heats up and the rings spin faster. Then-)

Steezy: Groove power maximized! Hold on tight folks: we are off!

(There are blinkings around the station, then in a flash the station vanishes in a boom causing the enemy ships to spin out of control. On the Sparrow...)

Squishy: Ahhh, the miracle of dance engineering. Right, let's get outta here.

(They enter hyperspace. Then we get a better look at the inside of the ship. Everyone looks in amazement at its funkdelity while "Some Kind of Wonderful" is playing in the)

Sara: Gee Squishy, what have you done to this place?

Squishy: You don't like it? You know, being the swinger that I am demands a certain type of interstellar class. So I decided to remake this into my "Squish-mobile".

Cope: That's got to be the dumbest name for a ship yet.

Squishy: What do you know? You're just a wanderer.

Anna: So what now, "boss man"?

Squishy: Simple. We're going to Coruscant.

Will: What? What about Jo?

Squishy: He can wait; he's a sexy bounty hunter, right? Besides, I want to see the full extent of their attacks. So just a quick peek and then we're off to find Jo.

Sara: I hope you know what you're doing.

Squishy: Come on. Could I have gotten to where I am not knowing what I'm doing?

Cope: Yes.

Squishy: I wasn't expecting a response.

(Return to interlude. Finally they enter Coruscant orbit to find utter calm)

Squishy: Huh? No fire, no smoke, no utter devastation?

Will: This isn't right. There were hundreds of their ships all over the place.

Squishy: Luckily, I happened to have sent some cloaked surveillance droids into the atmosphere a good while ago. They'll give us an up close view of the surface from here.

Sara: Hold on, you've been spying on us?

Squishy: Hey, the feed only comes onto this ship, and I only check in when I'm really really bored. Now let's have a looksy.

(Turns on a screen to show the cityscape going about as if nothing happened)

Anna: What's the deal? Everyone's all normal and stuff.

(Zoom in to show moving people. Zoom in to show their faces)

Squishy: Doesn't seem to be any aliens about. That could be something.

Sara: Wait! Zoom in on their clothes.

Squishy: Huh?

Sara: Just do it. (Zoom in on clothes) A little more. (Zoom more) Aha! There it is!

All: What?

Sara: The stitching is all different, along with the fleece levels. Those are definitely not Coruscant clothes.

Cope: How would you know that?

Sara: With the amount of shopping I do, I can tell how fashion is on this planet, and I'm telling you those aren't of this world.

Squishy: Very well. I'll take some pictures and have those clothes analyzed. (The screen fuzzes out) Agh, the planetary shields are disrupting the feed. Been meaning to work that kink out. (Suddenly alarms go off around the ship) Oh, bugger.

Voice: Warning! Enemy ships on approach!

(Turn outside where 3 saucers are heading for the Sparrow)

Will: Of course they would be hiding close by.

Squishy: I have to admit, something's going on around here. For now we must leave. (The ship speeds up and soon enters hyperspace) Whew! That was a close one.

Anna: (Looking out window) Umm... I don't think so. They're still following us.

All: What!?

(Turn outside where in the blur of hyperspace the saucers are gaining on them)

Cope: Im-freakin-possible!

Squishy: Well looks like we need to fight. Take the controls: I'm manning the Cutesy Cannon! (Runs off)

Cope: Oh god...

(Turn to back where Squishy is lining his sights)

Squishy: Firing baby llamas... NOW! (A llama is launched but doesn't affect the ships) Shot failed. Adding extra fluff to ammo! (Pours bottle of fluff into a tube) FIRE! (Fluffy llamas fire but still no effect) Not even a scratch!

Cope: I always knew it would stop working at some point.

Squishy: Ah well. Time for Plan BBB: Bigger, Badder, Better! (Opens a hatch and steps in. Lights blink off warnings as a mechanism is heard. Outside, a huge cannon slowly rises out of the top of the ship and the saucers get !'s over their tops) Initiating cannon start-up now! (There is a whirring noise that gets louder. The saucers have OMG's flashing on and off over them. When the whirring is at its loudest) Blast off! (A humongous shot takes out all ships in glorious slo-mo. After a while they enter regular space) And we are clear!

(Cheers are heard around the ship)

Anna: He actually got something practical added to the ship!

Cope: I have to admit, Squishy, you've nearly redeemed yourself of the Cutesy Cannon.

Squishy: Well at times like these, you have to realize your past follies.

Will: So now can we look for Jo?

Squishy: Yes, Will.

Sara: You have any leads on where he might be?

Squishy: Just one. We're about to take a trip to a certain "Smuggler's Moon".

Anna: Oh boy.

Squishy: Yeah, have those wallets hidden and your hands tight on those sabers. It's gonna get gritty.

(After a while we see the ship arrive at Nar Shadda, one of the galaxy's most lawless locales. Upon landing, they enter one of its grimy streets)

Anna: So... where do we start?

Will: I say go to the next biggest cantina.

Cope: That's obvious.

(They walk into some bar whose name I can't think up. Inside, the burly locals glare at them)

Squishy: (Loudly) Um... yes! Does anyone here know where to find a Joseph? You know, Joseph the bounty hunter? Kicks butt and chews bubble gum, maybe. Hear he's pretty well-known around here. Flies a Millenium Falcon. Any one?

(After some silence everyone in the cantina pulls out blasters and aim at the Jedi)

Sara: Eep!

Aqualish: What do you want with Joseph!?

Rodian: You some kind of trade police!?

Devornian: We don't take kindly to your types around here!

Squishy: Please, no need for violence. We just happen to be friends of his. You may have heard of us? Jedi who saved the galaxy however many times? No one?

(There's some tense silence. Then everyone goes "Ohhhhhhhhh" in group recollection)

Aqualish: Alright. Follow me.

(The guns are lowered and the Jedi are led to the back. They go up some steps and find Jo sitting down surrounded by various babes while wearing shades)

Jo: Well look who we have here. What're you guys doing here? Shouldn't you be off living steady lives rather than be stuck on this ****-hole?

Cope: We could if we would, but it's become a matter of dire importance.

Will: The galaxy is in danger again.

Jo: Ah yes. The galaxy. Oh, can you hold on a sec? (Pulls out a sniper rifle, slaps on scope and takes aim. Then he shoots down a man in the rafters 50 yards away) Assassins. You just got to love em for their persistence.

Squishy: Wow. You really are in the cutthroat business.

Jo: Yeah, except the lady thing isn't going so well. Watch. (Turns to a babe) Hey baby, come sit on papa's lap.

Babe: Not in a million credits.

Jo: See, what did I tell ya? Now leave us ladies. (They leave) So what's this dealio again?

Cope: The galaxy is in danger, Jo!

Anna: Those freaks took out Rodia, captured Coruscant and stole my boots!©

Jo: Wait, wait wait hold up. What freaks?

Will: Some whacked up group of mushroom people in flying saucers are destroying things with shiny laser beams.

Jo: Whoa, sounds like you've too much of those death sticks.

Anna: He's serious, Jo! And we came here to get you to help us stop them.

Jo: You need moi to help? I'm touched.

Sara: Are you helping or not?

Jo: Okay, I'll help for old times sake. What leads ya got?

Anna: They're just hundreds of saucer things that come out of nowhere and attack swiftly.

Jo: You know, come to mention it, I have heard things about saucers lately.

All: You have?

Jo: Yeah. Lately I've been hearing people say they've seen saucers come out of Nal Hutta on their way here, but I always assumed they were Squishy's ships. Guess that's not how it is, huh?

Squishy: Not in the slightest, but now we have a lead. Finish any business here, Jo: you're coming with us.

Jo: I have no business here. I just sit around waiting for clients. So for giving me something to do, I won't charge you this time.

Sara: Good ol' Jo.

Jo: Well, I'm gonna get the Falcon. Need a ride?

Squishy: Naw. We came in on the Sparrow.

Jo: That thing's still running?

Squishy: Yeah, and wait until you see the interior.

Cope: Please don't!

(Turn to Nal Hutta orbit where the two ships observe the atmosphere)

Will: Look right there: some of those saucer things are heading into space.

Jo: Then that's where we go. Follow me; I know how to land inconspicuously.

(Later, the two ships land in a clearing surrounded by a swamp. They creep stealthily to an overlook where they bust out some binoculars. Through them they see a big, ominous palace with eerie lighting. Some saucers are seen leaving it)

Jo: Yep. They're coming from ol' Swigga's Place.

Will: Who?

Jo: Well, he real name is Sogga the Hutt, but everyone calls him Swigga because he "drinks" his food.

Anna: Well that makes a lovely picture.

Squishy: Fine. Let's just go.

Cope: For once I agree with you.

(They go about sneaking to a back entrance that gets passed by a shroom patrol. They then sneak into the door and come across some machines. They have odd controls and screens filled with unknown data. Farther on they reach some metal steps that lead up to a walkway next to some windows. Through these windows they can see saucers on an assembly line get built, painted and later powered up before leaving)

Will: So it's a saucer manufacturing plant. But what's powering them?

(Through quick observation Sara notices some pipes leading away from the powering pad)

Sara: Hey, those pipes should lead us to the answer.

Jo: Right. We go in and wreck up the place. Simple enough, eh? (So they get down from the walkway and through a door) Alright, there may be guards so watch out.

(But instead of guards they find something far more disturbing. Before them they see a Hutt-style throne, on top of which is a humongous mountain of flesh with eyes, a mouth and tiny arms [a large Hutt by classification]. In one hand it holds a glass filled with a chunky mixture, that it gulps down. The Hutt then burps and there is a machine sound behind it. It is then noted that there are glowing pipes stuck in the Hutt that go off into another room)

Anna: Oh God! Don't tell me-!

?: Okay, that's it! I've had enough of this!

(Everyone turns and looks in surprise at a sudden arrival: a middle-aged man with tan skin, a graying head of black hair and a very disgruntled look)

Squishy: Holy cow: it's Reggie Fils-Aime!

Jo: ...Who?

Reggie: On behalf of Nintendo of America, I am here to call out the blatant copyright infringement that is happening in this story! Everything up to this point has been a rip-off of Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time. Purple shroom aliens? An orange shroom leader? Puh-lease! And now the final straw: this alternative energy source!? Knock-off of the first major boss of that same game. Does anyone around here think of anything original? Dear God; our lawyers are gonna have a field day with this drivel. I hope your bodies are ready for agonizing lawsuits, because that's what _you all_ are gonna get!

Cope: What the h**l do you think you're doing!?

Reggie: That includes you and the rest of your idea-stealing buddies, bean pole!

(There's a sucking noise, and suddenly Reggie gets pulled into a vortex formed by Swigga's gaping maw. He cries out but is promptly consumed, making the Hutt give out a harsh burp)

Swigga: (In Huttese) ENOUGH!) Now I don't know what he was babbling about, but it's disturbed my drinking session.

Squishy: Is it me, or can anyone else see those subtitles?

Swigga: I get a visit from these odd creatures, who offer me a most delicious drink and give me added protection as well. Yet it seems they are failing their promises, so I'll have to take care of you punks myself. But first: CHEFS! (Two shrooms walk into the room) Help me take care of these guys... and when we're done, you can mix their remains into my next drink.

Anna: Lovely...

(The two shrooms pull out lasers)

Squishy: Well, here we go again!

(They enter the battle screen again. The enemy starts first with Swigga taking a drink for health and the two shrooms pulling out mushrooms)

Cope: Let's just make this quick.

Squishy: Wait! Since these guys are copying Partners in Time, we should attack the shrooms first.

Will: Why?

Squishy: Just trust me! (So they attack the shrooms, making them drop their items into Swigga's drink) Now we finish our turn.

(Turn ends and Swigga takes a drink. He turns a little gray pale)

Swigga: Ugh... my tummy...

Squishy: Ha! It worked! (But Swigga ends up belching poisonous clouds that the Jedi bat away) Oh. Didn't see that coming.

Cope: Now what, genius?

Squishy: Well, since he's all sick-looking, his defenses should be lowered. So we must attack in full force. Luckily I have just the tool needed for that. (Pulls out a cannon)

Anna: What're you gonna do with that?

Squishy: Simple: we all jump in and launch ourselves at him.

Cope: What!? Are you flippin' mad!?

Squishy: Just push the corresponding buttons in the right order for extra damage. Now get in.

(The cannon sucks them in. Then they are shot in the air in a certain order and soon float down onto Swigga in sequence to make massive damage. Then two shrooms come in with one carrying a red mushroom)

Sara: Okay, my turn. (Goes for shroom)

Squishy: Wait! Don't!

(Sara attacks causing the mushroom to fall into Swigga's drink. Then he drinks and starts to shake. Suddenly his eyes turn red while growing much bigger and venting)

Swigga: Ohhhhh... YESSSS! I, AM, FEELING SO GOOOOOO!

Sara: Oops...

(He then closes his eyes and shakes, then opens them and fires off a stretchy tongue that catches Squishy, and then swings him about and slams him about the place)

Squishy: This! Is! Getting! A! Little! Tiring! When! Will! This! All! Stop! (He is then tossed to the ground. He slowly gets up while Swigga laughs) Okay... I didn't want to do this, but you left me no choice. I just have the one tool needed to end this fight. (Pulls out an odd needle/pump device with the word "Lipo" on the side) I only held this back for reasons of decency, but now prepare to get owned.

(Leaps up onto Swigga)

Swigga: Hey! What are you doing!?

(Squishy rams the needle into Swigga and pushes a button. There is a whirring noise, then the monstrosity shakes with a shocked look. A bubble forms and enlarges on the end of the mechanism while the Hutt shrinks and skinnies at the same time. The bubble gets larger until the Hutt is but a very skinny creature, provide a cue for Squishy to get off. He holds aloft the huge, shiny bubble)

Squishy: This pump is also capable of converting the fat into a high-powered explosive. So, putting 2 and 2 together...

Will: Oh crap...

(Squishy holds the bubble toward the ceiling, charges it so light appears around it, then fires it at a great speed. The sphere shoots out of the palace, hangs in the air a bit, then falls onto the building. In an immense flash and rumbling everything turns white. When the area clears, all that's left of the palace is a ruined throne room with everyone still in it)

Anna: Dang...

(Turn to a moaning Swigga and a lone shroom. The shroom panics and rams itself down the Hutt's throat. After some grumbling the Hutt's eyes turn purple and starts to talk in creepy English)

Swigga: Ohhh... you think you're all so great! Well, interlopers, you shall never beat us! Though you destroyed our factory, there are still hundreds of active saucers making decisive strikes around your pitiful galaxy. In time, your weak government shall have no means whatsoever to recover and retain peace without surrendering to us. Mwahaha!

Will: Uhh... can you vouch for this, Squishy?

Squishy: Hmmm... I just may have an idea for this situation. Though, Will, I'll need your tech savvy for this.

Will: Sure. Exactly what are we doing?

(Some time later we find weird mechanisms all over Swigga and plus some machine panels surrounding him)

Swigga: What are you cretins doing?

Cope: Yes; I'd like to know as well.

Squishy: Well, it's a bit complicated and technical, but Will has been able to use the surviving equipment to tap into the entire saucer communication grid.

Will: I can screw with communications as is, but those shroom guys would likely block it out without the proper imprint.

Squishy: And that's were our possessed, malnourished friend comes into play. Since his mind has been overtaken by one of those shroob-wannabes, we just hook his brain into the console and imprint it onto the transmissions, that way the others will put it through.

Will: It'll be a short window, so we're gonna have to mess them up spectacularly

Squishy: Fortunately, I have the song to do just that.

Anna: And what would that be?

Squishy: (Smiles) Oh, you'll see. Heh heh. (Puts a CD into a console. Pushes some buttons) Will, begin transmission.

(After some seconds the Hutt starts singing the "Llama Song". Then all across the galaxy all the shrooms hear it and start dancing wildly. All that activity causes every saucer in the galaxy to smoke and fall, whether be on planet, moon or black hole. After the song, turn back to ruined palace where the Hutt stops singing)

Swigga: Bahh... cheap shot. (Dies)

Cope: Can't say that was one of your more ingenious moments, because that would mean acknowledging you had one before.

Squishy: Well time was of the essence, but it got the job done.

Sara: Can we get off the planet now? It's starting to smell.

Jo: Yeah. Let's see if this half-brained plan of yours actually worked.

Squishy: Okay. To transition!

(Turn to space that's littered with saucer debris and the two ships)

Anna: Well I'll be dipped: it actually worked.

Cope: Yet again, the stupidest idea is the most effective.

(On board Sparrow)

Squishy: So, now that my ingenuity has been proven, how 'bout we go back to the Home?

Sara: You mean you know where it is?

Squishy: Of course. I own it; I can't afford to lose a huge investment like that, can I? But yeah, in times of emergency the Home sets course for Mon Calamari orbit. Once we get there it should be nice and cozy for us to come on in.

Will: Well that's a relief.

Squishy: So let's hurry along. I need to check the well-being of my guests there.

(They enter hyperspace. Now turn to tall, ominous tower at night. Turn to a huge control room filled with many consoles and data screens. Show one tech hurrying to one end of the room where there is a raised platform and a turned swivel chair. The tech stops and holds up some papers)

?: So? What's the current status?

Tech: The entire Shroob division has been wiped out, sir.

?: Wiped out, you say?

Tech: Yes. All saucers are obliterated, and we can only assume our being subdued in their absence.

?: Okay... and the cause for this?

Tech: Seemed to have been a warped transmission that disoriented the crew of every saucer. We traced the transmission to our Nal Hutta factory, which has also been destroyed.

?: Guhhh... what the heck!? Did you at least find out who did this!?

Tech: Fortunately we did. We have pictures of them leaving the site and also put trackers on their ships, which left some time later.

(Passes photos of Jedi to shadowy figure. It shifts through them and pauses)

?: Hmm... seems conquering this galaxy is going to be a little harder then first imagined. How about our established planets?

Tech: They are still held, sir.

?: Good. Now, before we deploy the other fleet,s let's take care of these... pests. Have one of our high-velocity missiles locked and fired onto those transmitters. Inform me when they cease to function.

Tech: Yes sir. (Walks away)

?: Oh, and one more thing. (Tech stops) For all your sakes, this better not happen again.

Tech: (Gulps) Y, y-yes sir. (Walks away)

(Turn to outside where a launcher bay is opened and a huge missile is moved out. Then it shoots off into space at super fast speeds. Now turn to Mon Calamari orbit, where the 2 ships finally arrive at Jawa Home. Now turn to control room where the Jedi and Steezy are conversing)

Squishy: And that's what we've been doing all that time.

Steezy: Wow. Sounds intense.

Squishy: Yeah, tell me about it. So what of the crew and guests?

Steezy: They've all headed planet-side. Just needed a rest from all that shaking and grooving, and nothing says restful like a day at the beach.

Jo: Well that's all fine and good, but what do we do now?

Will: We still need to figure out what happened to Coruscant after we left, and to round up any remaining invaders.

Cope: We should also get Admiral Ackbar to provide recovery ships.

Squishy: Yeah, but we can also use my ships. Heck, I got several custom ones hanging outside Lwhekk for safe-keeping.

Will: Then that's fine. Let's just hurry up to try to assess whatever just happened in this galaxy.

(There is red blinking and klaxons going off)

Steezy: Uhh, this can't be right.

Squishy: What is it?

Steezy: It says here that there is a missile heading right for us.

Anna: A what!?

(They look at a monitor that shows the incoming missile)

All: Ahhh crap!

(The missile hits the station with a large explosion. It tilts over and causes tumbling in the control room)

Squishy: Status report!

Steezy: Dang! That missile knocked us out of orbit! There's fire and explosions and we're falling toward the planet!

Anna: Well this can't possibly get worse!

Sara: Hey, Anna! Aren't those your new boots!?

(Show some boots bounce around until they crash into a console where they catch fire)

Anna: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Show the station falling to the planet, smoking and burning while everyone is screaming. Screen goes black)

_Will our heroes survive the massive crash? Will we learn the identity of the mysterious enemy? Exactly what happened to Coruscant and those other planets? Will this be my only appearance as narrator?_

_Find out in Episode WTF, where you will see: guest appearances, shocking revelations, music videos and some really whacked-up s**t! Until then, vote 5 or more! PLEASE!_

**To be Continued...**

- **for copyright infringement.**


	3. Episode 2

**Star Warz**

**Episode WTF:**

**Cos-pirators**

**aka**

**How Villainy Lost Originality**

_Well that was certainly an exciting previous episode, eh? Oh, you already forgot it? Here's a recap:_

_After 3 years of peace, the galaxy is once again besieged by evil. The disbanded Jedi reconnect to fight off this new calamity. Along the way they faced saucers, mushrooms, a swanky space station and a totally ripped-off plot point. After shutting down the invader's saucer factory, it seemed things had settled down._

_However, a missile strike from an unknown site sends a relocated Jawa Home spiraling into Mon Calamari. Will our heroes survive? Let's find out._

(Show a tranquil sight of a calm, sunny ocean. Shift to the side to reveal a floating, smoking Jawa Home floating on the ocean surface. Now turn to some figures swimming to a nearby beach and crawling up it)

Jo: Land! Land! Oh thank God!

Will: Man, my head...

Squishy: At least we're still alive.

Anna: But I couldn't save my boots...©

Sara: Say, how come Jawa Home's still intact?

Steezy: Ha! You kidding me? With something that big, how could we _not_ have it well-protected? We had the whole interior lined with the strongest metals in the galaxy. In fact, it was practically built for rough landings like this.

Cope: (Struggling up the beach) Water... need water...

(Stops next to a beach chair holding a metal-limbed, shaggy-haired man with a ginger beard)

Chris: Ah, about time you got here waiter. Bring me anotherpiña colada. I've run a little dry.

Sara: (Getting up) Chris? Is that you?

Chris: (Noticing them) Sara? Will? Squishy? What are you- (Noticing Jawa Home) Hey, since when did that show up? It's really killing the view.

Cope: You mean you haven't noticed? You're telling me you heard no noise, nor seen a huge wave? In fact, why is everything still dry!?

Chris: (Shrugs) Just too chilled for any of that to happen, I guess.

(A boat arrives with a Mon Calamarian in it)

Jo: Admiral Ackbar!? Well, isn't this swell timing.

Ackbar: Are you all alright? I came as soon as I saw that station coming down.

Will: Yeah, we're fine.

Ackbar: Will? Sara? And the other Jedi? Okay, what's going on here?

Jo: We'll be happy to explain everything once we get some rest. Also, I need to know if my Falcon is alright.

Squishy: It is. During emergency landings, all ships in all hangers are bolted down until everything stabilizes.

Cope: Could someone just get me some water, please? (Looking at Chris) And also, since when does a crawling man in brown, soaked robes look like a waiter to you?

Chris: Well, your hair looked like a waiter's.

(Squishy snickers)

Cope: Grrrr...

(Turn to a floating city, where the Jedi are talking with Chris)

Jo: So all this time you've been here on Mon Calamari?

Chris: Yep. There was plenty of sun, many things to do and the endless scuba diving. Plus, being a former general does have its kicks. So what's your story?

Sara: It's very long. We should wait until we can talk to Ackbar some more.

(A Calamarian intern walks in)

Intern: The admiral will see you now.

Will: Well ain't that a coincidence.

(They walk out. Turn to a meeting room)

Ackbar: And that's what happened?

Will: Yeah. Just a speedy invasion and possibly a higher head of command behind it all.

Anna: So we should go about trying to find these guys and take 'em out quick.

Cope: Of course, there is still the clean up for possible stragglers.

Ackbar: Yes... I can see the importance of that. But you realize that due to the prolonged notice for this attack, it will take some time to assemble the Republic fleet.

Squishy: That shouldn't be a real problem for now. In fact, I volunteer my Jawa Home as temporary space headquarters until everything is set up.

Ackbar: Jawa Home? But isn't it out of commission out there?

Squishy: Naw. After some quick repairs, its emergency repulsors will lift it right off the planet.

Ackbar: Well good, I guess that settles it. Let's brief some of the current staff and get to assembling the fleet.

Chris: Scuse me, but what should I do?

Ackbar: How does reinstatement as active General sound?

Chris: Sweet! Just let me shave a bit. Can never be too dashing in the middle of a war.

(Forward to a few days later in space, where the Republic fleet including Jawa Home has been assembled. Switch to bridge of Home One, where Chris stands proudly at the bow, and the Jedi milling about. Squishy is sitting at a console watching some footage)

Chris: Ah... you know, after spending so much time back as general, I've had time to practice my commanding laugh. (Laughs maniacally)

Jo: Right... So how things Ackbar?

Ackbar: Well, it's both good and bad, to be honest. The good is that we've rounded up any shroom stragglers across the galaxy, and they are now in custody. The bad are several things: the first are the "captured" planets. When we get to them, the planetary shields are up and we cannot contact anyone on the surface, as though no one's there. Then there are the captives.

Anna: What about them?

Ackbar: It's downright odd, I say. Left on their own, they act just as your report showed. Yet when we examined them, it was revealed that parts of their anatomy were removable. When said parts were removed, the subject would be asking where it was in Plain Basic and deny anything about an invasion. This was done with several captives, so in the end we concluded that the invaders were, in fact, little humans in costume under some sort of mind control.

Will: That's a little hard to comprehend, considering the number of invaders. You think it's too weird, right Squish?

Squishy: I don't know. I'm still looking over the tapes of the captured planets' surface.

Sara: What about the clothes on those people I pointed out? Have they been tested yet?

Ackbar: Yes, and it appears that you were right: none of the clothes in the footage matched any clothing made in this galaxy.

(Close in on Squishy's watching)

Cope: Well that confuses things even more!

(Close in more)

Jo: That means we have two great conundrums in this matter.

(Closer)

Will: Yeah: one is the deal with the invaders wearing costumes and being mind controlled.

(Close)

Sara: And the other is why normal-looking citizens are wearing clothing of an entirely alien fabric.

(Closer)

Anna: But overall: Who are these people anyway!?

(Squishy stands in shock)

Squishy: I just may know who... the only possible explanation!

All: What; who is it!?

Squishy: ... (Close-up) Cosplayers...

All: ...WHAAAT!?

Squishy: Here, let me explain.

(Show all them huddled around a monitor)

Squishy: Okay, here's the skivvy: look at this footage from Coruscant. Seems normal, right? Well zoom in to the lower right hand corner. Right there in that arch: notice the guy in red with the silvery hair and the big sword?

Anna: My god... that's Inuyasha!

Squishy: Uh-huh. And now some footage from Fondor. See that couple sitting and chatting at that restaurant? Look and see who's spying on them from that tree.

Will: Solid Snake?

Squishy: Yeah, now look a little lower in the woods.

Cope: Genome soldiers? Searching... for what?

Will: For Snake, obviously.

Squishy: And now the casinos of Rodia. Look all over the place. Who are serving drinks?

Chris: Scantily-clad Moogles?

Squishy: Exactly. So in conclusion, our enemy are a bunch of down and dirty cosplayers.

Cope: Wait, wait, wait! What does cosplaying have to do with any of this? So what if a few people decide to dress up; the whole galaxy is full of nerds by this point. It doesn't mean a ton of cosplayers are trying to conquer the galaxy.

Squishy: I'd agree with you, but I have a theory as to why the captives were acting weird without the costumes. Think about: what's a cosplayer? It's a person who dresses up as some character so as to emulate them. Those invaders were obviously pretending to be Shroobs, and removing their costume destroys their fantasy. In short, these guys are extremist cosplayers who do exactly everything their character of choice would do.

Will: Meaning?

Squishy: Meaning we may be dealing with a new breed of Fan Boy.

Cope: Preposterous!

Ackbar: Perhaps, but it's the only good explanation we have so far. Well, the only explanation.

Chris: Then what do we do, lads?

Jo: Well, as experience taught us, Fan Boys fall quick without leaders.

Sara: So if these are another bunch of Fan Boys, they may follow the exact same rules.

Squishy: So in other words, we find the leaders and take them out quick. Then maybe we can figure out the dealy with those strange clothes later.

Cope: But how do we find these leaders? So far we have no leads, and finding said leads will take a ludicrous amount of time.

Anna: Oh, Alex, stop being a stick in the mud.

Squishy: In response to your question, Alex, I say there's one advantage we can use against the time-consumption thing.

Jo: And what might that be?

Squishy: A little something that I call: the progressive montage.

Cope: Oh great! Another one of his half-brained cheap,- (Mumbles, mumbles)

Squishy: So if you can begin the appropriate music, our search can begin... now!

(Show montage of the Jedi going about the galaxy in search of info set to appropriate music. In time they face risky negotiations, hip dance clubs, partnerships, shoot-outs, and the occasional Rancor bite to the a**. Finally we find the Sparrow in space with all Jedi on board)

Squishy: See, that wasn't so bad. In fact, that montage shortened the search to just 2 minutes.

Cope: (Sighs) Yet again your dumb idea pulled off successfully.

Jo: So exactly what did we find again?

Squishy: Oh, right. Uhhh... (Pulls out cliffnotes) Yes! All we were able to get was the address of the enemy headquarters.

Sara: Well that's not bad.

Will: Yeah. The leaders should be there, right?

Squishy: Okay, well, enough with exposition. We need to get more conclusion. Follow those coordinates!

(Ship goes into hyperspace. Eventually...)

Anna: Okay. According to this, we should be arriving there right about... now.

(The ship goes into normal space. Show shocked Jedi faces)

Jo: No way!

Will: It can't be!

Cope: Preposterous!

Sara: I never thought of such a place!

Anna: Un-freakin-believable!

Squishy: I sorta saw this coming.

(Show all of Endor and its woodland glory)

Jo: There must be some mistake! Where's the directions? I'll read them over.

Cope: This can't be real. Not there with all those Ewoks!

Will: Yeah, well what do you call that? (Points to area of moon that looks dark and mechanized)

Squishy: Well, no one would suspect it at least.

Sara: We should call Ackbar and the others before we go down.

Squishy: Hold on... How bout we go down there and check this out first?

Anna: Why? You saying we should plunge right into the thick of danger?

Squishy: No! I'm just saying we should check it out to be sure it isn't something else. Besides, if there was danger, I'm sure we would be able to handle it. What do y'all say?

Jo: It would be boring just to wait for Chris to arrive.

Anna: Hrmm, and I haven't been a part of a nerd-bashing in a long time, come to think of it.

Cope: Like I have a choice...

Squishy: That's the spirit! Now, let's get all covert on landing.

(Show them flying to moon and landing in forest. Turn to them walking through woods and stopping before a clearing. Pan to show ominous tower revealed in last episode)

Will: Must be the place. Let's move.

(They go on into clearing. Suddenly)

Sara: Wait. Did you hear that?

(Rustling noises)

Jo: It's coming from near the entrance.

(Some tenseness later a man with a white shirt, blue pants and a flattened haircut steps out with fists raised)

Squishy: Hey... isn't that that Alex guy from River City Ransom?

(The man gives a loud whistle that brings out a whole bunch of guys in blue ninja suits)

Anna: Crap...

Squishy: Yep, I knew it. He wants a dance-off.

Sara: A what!?

Squishy: Come, Ewoks! Your support is needed!

(Dozens of Ewoks come to the Jedi)

Cope: Aw jeez. Not this crap again.

(Man raises finger, then drops it when a record player is heard. Then the "Work It" song by Daft Punk is played, and both sides engage in a choreographed techno fight. There are flashing lights, head bopping, and very techie voices for the vocal parts. 2/3 of the way through the song)

Will: This isn't working. I say we move to that entrance. (Nods toward it)

Jo: Yeah. Squishy, let's end this nonsense already.

Squishy: Okay okay. Just follow my lead.

(As the song nears the end the Jedi slowly groove their way toward the door. They enter one at a time and at the song's end Squishy waves and close the doors. Inside they barricade the entrance and rest)

Anna: Well, that was pointless.

Squishy: Told ya they're cosplayers: they had the suits and everything. Even all the dance parts were exact.

Cope: Big whup. So, our next, hopefully less moronic step?

Will: Well... for those guys must have been security, because this place is totally empty. And it also looks more like a lobby.

Sara: And lobbies usually mean elevators.

Squishy: Right, I should look for a floor map. (Goes to the receptionist counter)

Anna: What floor plans? We go to the top; it's always the top with these people.

(Squishy scrummages through desk. Pulls out a layout floor plan of whole tower)

Squishy: I'd hate to say this Anna, but it's not that simple. Come check this out. (All Jedi look over plans) Now, since this does seem to be the enemy headquarters, it has some tight security parameters. The main one is with the elevators. To get to a floor, we need certain key cards to unlock them. Currently, with no cards we can only go up to the second floor. As an extra precaution, only the needed cards for the next level are kept on the different levels below them. Only a master card, kept on the top floor, can have ready access to all floors.

Jo: Figures.

Sara: It's amazing how all that is just written on some random floor plan.

(Show floor plan and various columns of explanatory text and diagrams)

Will: So all this means..?

Squishy: This means that we go up floor to floor getting these cards and reaching the control room. Of course we will have to face off with much resistance, like say oodles of floor guardians.

Anna: So we just get this over with. No fuss.

Squishy: But we're left with two options: go floor to floor and face each challenge with great, lengthy detail, or have it summarized in a more condensed fashion.

Jo: Hmm... I opt for the shorter approach.

Cope: Same here.

Squishy: Very well. Take it away, Narrator.

_Thanks Squishy. Now, our heroes traverse the various floors of Cosplayer Tower. There're quite a lot of floors and a bunch of weirdos guarding them. Among them are Star Wars kids, wizards, Elric brothers, Sailor Moon girls spouting fast, incoherent Japanese, a lot of spikey-haired dudes, a Goku with the worst wig __ever__!, and a cool battle against a Akuma-wannabe. Finally the heroes reach the top floor and a date with destiny (again!)._

(Show elevator doors open and Jedi step out)

Anna: Oh god that was long!

Squishy: Still got to keep moving. The end is in sight.

Jo: Hold on. I've got some crap in my shoe. (Shakes out paraphernalia like dice, wands and fairy dust) Okay, let's move out.

(They go down a dark hall. Soon they're hailed by a guy in a book suit)

Cope: Ah great! More of these freaks! When do you guys give up?

?: No fellow patrons. I am not like my fellow compatriots, for you see, I am a save point.

Sare: A... save point?

?: Yes: a point where you can save your game. You know, placed in areas of most convenience, like before bosses, major story points, and... (Mumbles)

Jo: What was that?

?: Well... before points of no return.

Anna: What are you insinuating?

?: Nothing! Nothing. It's just that save points are convenient and you should use me.

(Jedi look at each other)

Will: No thanks. We'll pass for now.

?: Very well. Good luck anyway.

(The Jedi walk off screen. Then Anna runs back and slices off the costume so the guy is left screaming in his underwear. Anna returns to group)

Anna: Ahh... nothing like shattering someone's fantasies to get the blood pumpin'.

(They soon reach a huge door)

Squishy: Okay, this is it. You guys take the sides; I'll go down the middle. Move slowly.

(They open the door to reveal a large, spacious and high tech room. They take positions and move slowly inward toward a middle high rise. Suddenly cages fall down blocking Squishy from the other Jedi, then the walkways around the room are filled with soldiers who train their guns on Squishy. After some moments a voice is heard)

?: Well, it's about time you got here. Saved me the trouble of finding you myself.

(Now on the high rise is a man wearing a black cape and a white maestro suit, with horns in his head and spiky hair and different colored eyes)

Squishy: And what are you supposed to be?

?: If you must know, I was originally supposed to be a Gregorio III. But a slight accident fused me with some Zowie, so it would only be appropriate to address me as: Zowio. And you must be Squishy, the adorable Jawa who always seems to save the day at the most inopportune moment.

Squishy: Along with my friends. What's it to ya?

Zowio: Well, we can't have people like you running rampant around here. Really gets in the way of galactic domination, wouldn't you say?

Squishy: Okay, enough with the appetizers. Who are you and what's the dealio?

Jo: Appetizers?

Zowio: Oh yes, of course someone like you would prefer the quick gist of things. Very well, I'll summarize it for you: In response to what you may be noticing, we do come from the same world as those Fan Boys you once faced. However, a certain accident left us with the power to become whatever costume we wear, along with being able to take it off. The details are long and involve politics and war so I'll skip that. Back on subject, we are known as the Cosplayer Consortium. A very alliterate ring to it, I do say.

Squishy: SO why our galaxy?

Zowio: Why? Must you ask? For the same reason as our Fan Boy counterparts: because this is a place of fantasy. You see, many of our members are Star Wars-based, and our own galaxy is just too dull to meet our needs. So we decided to come here.

Squishy: With those shrooms?

Zowio: Ah, yes, the Shroobs. Rather then attack all out like our Pompous Predecessors, we decided a more stealthy, quick approach at conquering your galaxy. Instead of showing our hand immediately, we sent in those single-minded Shroobs to strike quickly and remove the natives. If done correctly, our people would have taken place on the planets without notice from the other the planets. Yet you Jedi had to go blurting to your navy about our plans.

Squishy: It's like you said: we're a rather inopportune bunch.

Zowio: Yes, just like little cockroaches. Little cockroaches that need to be squashed before a new era of peace and perfection can begin.

Sara: But that's just wrong! You can't just remove people and act like nothing's happened!

Anna: Body Snatchers isn't the way to go, dude!

Zowio: Quiet you! There is no extra in this duet! (Waves and an Organ is dropped to block out Sara and Anna) Ah... there are advantages to being a master of orchestra.

Squishy: Speaking of which, why are you the leader? You don't look anything special from the others we saw.

Zowio: Nothing special? I'm hurt by that, but it's still an excellent question. You see, that little accident of mine has given me the ability to think for my own. While everyone immediately assumes the identity of whoever they're impersonating, I maintain my own mind while still harnessing the powers of my characters, thus making me the prime candidate for leading this empire to victory. Now are you done prolonging your death? Because I'm getting weary of this conversation and I really want to conquer the galaxy sometime this lifetime if possible.

Squishy: Okay, I'm done, if it pleases you.

Zowio: So you will submit to the blinding torture and endless agony?

Squishy: Yes, but I have one octet of syllables to say before I go: say hello to my little friend!

(Whips out tiny chocobo that flies to Zowio, misses then hits PayPal representative standing nearby, who goes about screaming and being mauled. Zowio looks at the scene)

Zowio: Well that was a waste of time. (Turns back) Now if you're finally done with this foolishness we can-!? (Show Squishy gone) Sh**! How dare he use the old-fashioned "kill the investor as a diversion" tactic. No matter, without my MasterCard he won't be going anywhere anytime-!? (Show empty spot on chair behind him) Double sh**!

(Show Squishy going down in elevator. Turn back to control room)

Cope: WHAT!? He left us!? That no good (bleep) sucking (bleep) worth (bleep-bleep) to this whole (bleepidy, blopidy bloo).

Will: He seriously ditched us? God, I can't believe it.

Jo: Hey Alex, got any swear words I can use?

Zowio: Grrr... FIND HIM!

(Turn back to Squishy, who just reached the ground floor. He charges the door and blasts away the barricade and the security people behind it. He runs yelling through the woods until reaching the Sparrow, where he gets in, lifts off and zooms to space. This is all being watched on a display in the control room)

Sara: Ha! Now you're in for it! Squishy's ship will reach our fleet in no time and they'll come here before you've started evacuating. It's all over now! At least, I hope that's what he's doing...

Zowio: Hmmm... yes, normally it would seem so. Buuuut... (Gets handed a packet) I have an ace up my sleeve. While we were shooting the bull, a sensor in the ceiling was reading his mind, searching for fears and weaknesses to be used in torture. The results are in my hand. (Reads over papers) And we have just the weapon. (To tech) Deploy the capsules.

(Tech goes off. Outside two large capsules are fired into space. On board the Sparrow)

Squishy: Okay, let's see: mirrors adjusted, seat belt snug, coolant is good and the coffee is percolating. Yep, I'm set for hyperspace. Forgive me, guys. (Proximity alarms go off) Huh? (Looks out rear viewport to see the capsules closing. Then they burst open to reveal two platforms carrying dancing Asian women) What the h***!?

(Turn back to control room)

Zowio: Yes. It says here he is a real sucker for J-pop. Let's see how he reacts.

(Turn back to space where the women continue to dance and sing while firing groove missiles. On the ship, Squishy is bouncing around with red lights and klaxons going off)

Squishy: Gahh! J-pop/catchy tunes! My one true weakness! (Coffee spills) My coffee! NOOOOOOOOOO!

(Turn back to a sinister looking Zowio)

Zowio: Yes... yes... perish before your own folly, little one. It will all be over soon.

(Turn back to a smoking and burning Sparrow with Squishy hunched over the controls)

Squishy: So, I guess this is it: the end. (Coughs) Not quite what I expected. I was thinking more of a grand self-sacrifice thing; not to be the victim of such hoppin' tunes!

(Show a smoking Sparrow exterior. Turn back to the nervous spectators. Back to space. Close up on spectators. Finally in space the Sparrow goes off in a glorious explosion reminiscent of the Death Star divided by 20. Back in control)

Jo: Squishyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Zowio: Hehehehehehhh... well that was fun. But now I'm feeling a change of scenery is in order. Alright people! Get everything packed and sent to our new headquarters on Coruscant. And have those Jedi sent to one of our high-security prisons. Add extra powerful units so as not to be as sloppy as our predecessors.

Will: This ain't looking good.

Sara: Dead... I just can't believe he's gone... Squishy...

(Turn back to a debris-filled space, where credits are played to a solemn tune)

_Quadruple s**t! Squishy dead!? How un-freakin-expected! Is this really the end of the Jedi, the Republic, the whole f-ing galaxy!? Will the Cosplayers succeed where the Fan Boys have fallen? Will there be a new hero to save the day? Quite possibly, a Narrator Man? Nah, not really. But do stay tuned for the next exciting trilogy conclusion!_

**EPISODE L33T!**

**You won't want to miss it.**


	4. Episode 3

**Star Warz**

**Episode L33T:**

**Republic Salvation**

**aka**

**Even more s*** hits the fan!**

_Despite a conflicting title, this is nonetheless the end of another whacked-up trilogy! To update you, the galaxy is under attack by Cosplayers. Led by the ruthless yet highly effeminate Zowio, the Consortium proves to be quite the challenge._

_Though the Jedi managed to stop the Shroob-wannabes, they couldn't stop the invasion. While searching for the leader, the Jedi are captured at their headquarters on Endor. The Jawa, Squishy, escapes the planet but is shot down before reaching hyperspace._

_With the other Jedi still captured and Squishy presumed dead, does the Republic stand a chance? And could there possibly be a higher power overlooking all this? Who knows... who knows..._

(Show a black screen. There are howling noises as the time goes by)

?: Ugh... wh, where am I? Who am I?

(Show the screen getting a little brighter)

?: What happened? Has anything happened?

(Brightens more)

?: Is this all real? Do I exist? What does it all mean?

(Screen brightens into a green/black screen. Show a lump floating through the abyss)

?: Maybe I should let it all go... rest...

(Zoom in on figure floating in robes and looking unconscious)

?: Squishy...? (Figure squirms) Squishy...! (Figure rolls up to be revealed as a Jawa)

Squishy: Huh? Who said that? Who are you?

?: Open your eyes Squishy... (Squishy opens eyes and looks around him)

Squishy: So this is what death's like?

?: Not quite, Squishy.

Squishy: What?

(Show several figures spiraling toward him)

?: Look upon us, young Squishy. Upon your ancestors.

Squishy: My... ancestors?

(Reveal the figures as several Jawas in assorted robes of antiquity and age)

Ancestor1: Yes, Squishy. We are all those who had come before you, all of us born upon the same burning sands beneath the same twin suns as yourself.

Squishy: Huh. Doesn't change the whole "Me being Dead" scenario.

Ancestor2: You're merely locked away in your subconscious, little Squishy. The explosion that beset your craft did not end your life.

Squishy: It didn't?

Ancestor3: Yes. By some miracle, the cockpit formed a protective casing around you that kept you safe as you reentered the atmosphere until it disintegrated. Right now, you're hanging from a tree in what could best be considered a... mild coma.

Squishy: Coma, huh? Guess that makes sense how I'm talking to dead people without _being_ dead. But what does this all mean?

Ancestor1: It means you have another chance to save your friends.

Ancestor3: And with them, rid the galaxy of those who threaten all you hold dear.

Ancestor2: As well as our precious homeworld. Can't forget that.

Squishy: I don't know. They got real close to killing me, and I was ready for the end. What if I'm not good enough to face them?

Ancestor4: I dare say you are good enough! Look at what you have accomplished on your own, and the struggles you won when you had friends to back you up.

Ancestor1: Outlandishly impressive for a humble Jawa.

Ancestor2: The pride of Tatooine, and worthy to stand alongside other heroes of yore.

Squishy: Uhh... thanks, I guess.

Ancestor1: You cannot falter, not when the enemy is on the verge of gaining total control.

Ancestor4: You and your friends must rally the galaxy to fight back! To keep what is theirs without oppression, as so many other times before!

Ancestor2: Our homeworld and your own kind depend on it!

Ancestor3: Will you lay off on the homeworld already?

Ancestor2: What? You came from it, and so did everyone else here! I'll be darned for some weirdos in costume to have their way with it.

Ancestor5: It's only a massive sandball, you realize?

Ancestor2: It's _our_ sandball!

Ancestor1: Enough, please! Can we just focus on Squishy here real quick? (Silence) Thank you. Listen here, young Jawa: the key is to believe in yourself. All it takes is a little heart to achieve many things and turn "impossible" into "I'm possible". You've already done so much for the sake of others, faced many seemingly insurmountable odds. Why stop now?

Ancestor3: We believe in you.

Ancestor5: All of us.

Ancestor1: And as do your friends. For them at least, do not give up.

(Show a wide range of ancient Jawas cheering him on to fight. Turn to Squishy, who's bowed his head and sheds a tear)

Squishy: Gee... this always gets to me. Very well. I'LL DO IT! (A great long cheer from the huge gathering. After quieting down a bit) Now how do I get out of here?

Ancestor2: Oh, we can't let you leave yet, deary.

Squishy: Huh? Why not?

Ancestor4: Well... You're not really ready to take on Zowio.

Squishy: WHAT!? And you had me all choked for nothing!?

Ancestor3: It'd make convincing you to get back into the fight a lot easier. If we'd told you how unprepared you were to do it, it would've been a harder sell.

Squishy: But you're my ancestors! Don't you think I would've agreed despite the odds? You didn't have to hide this kind of stuff from me; it kinda makes the emotions seem meaningless.

Ancestor3: Well, that's family for you.

Ancestor1: The bottom line is, Squishy, you need your friends fight Zowio, and right now they're on Mytus VII being held prisoner by Combine posers.

Ancestor5: And Combine don't fool around. Not in Half-Life 2, and definitely not now.

Ancestor4: Being silly and jumping around isn't gonna do you any good. That's why we're here: to train you into something harder, better, faster, stronger.

Squishy: Okay, so which of you is going to train me?

(A pause)

Ancestor1: Okay... we weren't truthful about that either.

Ancestor3: We've been dead for centuries. We don't keep current with all the crazy, new-fangled fighting techniques you new generations keep coming up with!

Ancestor2: Needless to say, none of us here are properly qualified to train you for this century. However, we did call in some help.

(Beckons in a tall, imposing figure, whose appearance causes Squishy's eyes to widen)

Squishy: R. Lee Ermy!? What're you doing here!?

Ermy: I may play historian on TV, but in your world I am the most hard-a** trainer you ever met! I'm going to turn you from Squishy to Solid: solid enough to bounce a torpedo back at the submarine that fired it! Plus I'll teach you 4 simple steps in becoming the ultimate bad-a** in any situation!

Squishy: Cool! When do I start?

Ermy: Immediately, soldier! Now MOVE OUT!

(Turn to Mytus VII outside of the rebuilt Star's End prison. Inside, many cosplayers dressed as Combine soldiers patrol the halls and levels of the building. Turn to holding cell near top of prison where the rest of the Jedi glumly wait out their stay)

Jo: This sucks.

Will: I still can't believe we've all lost.

Sara: I still can't believe Squishy's dead.

Anna: I still can't believe I got a Dell. (They all look at her) What!? It's bull crap compared to the older computers in this galaxy! Sheesh!

Cope: Well, at least there aren't any fan made movies like in the last prison we were in.

Guard: Oh, don't worry. For entertainment, we have Broadway Flood Reborn.

(Cope slams against door)

Cope: Kill me now! PLEASE!

(Turn to lobby of complex where there are still guards. Suddenly time stops and everything goes black and white. Then Ermy's voice is heard)

Ermy: Alright, grunt! Here are the four steps to becoming the ultimate bad-a**. Listen up, cuz I'm only saying this once!

(Everything returns to normal. Then a huge explosion happens at the entrance where time slows to show the extent of the blast. Show the guards looking at the inferno, where cloaked figure walks through)

Ermy: Step 1: make an entrance.

(The figure keeps walking through the flames)

Ermy: Step 2: always be accompanied by appropriate music.

(Music from Terminator 2 plays as the guards prep for battle)

Ermy: Step 3: appear untouchable.

(With a wave of their hands, the figure pushes aside the flames and rubble and holds a commanding stance. The guards surround him and the music stops)

Ermy: And finally Step 4: kick a ton of a**! (Matrix music blares as the figure reveals itself to be R. Lee Ermy, who leaps forward and deals the hurt to everyone. He does a bunch of Neo-like moves while employing some other slick tactics. At some point, Squishy, who is strapped in a baby carrier on Ermy's back, pops up)

Squishy: Hey, isn't this supposed to be _my_ bad-a** moment?

Ermy: Quiet, runt! I ain't letting some pipsqueak flop about and ruin something this intense! Now shut up while I paint the town red.

(Ermy kicks a guy into a hall where more guards gather. They fire tear gas and wait. Soon he leaps through the mist and continues the bashing. At one point he dodges gunfire by running along some columns in the hall and cartwheeling into the air landing on two guard's fares. Then he whips out a crowbar and starts whacking everybody in a marvelous fashion)

Ermy: Whack whack whack whack whack, you sons of b****es!

(When even more guards come he force grabs two enemy guns and goes to town!)

Ermy: Get some!

(As he's firing all the long while he continues moving down the hall. At one point a guy dressed as a Xenomorph leaps at him)

Ermy: Eat this!

(He pulls out a shotgun and shoves it into the alien's mouth before blowing out the back of its head, laughing all the while as he keeps moving. When things are quiet he drops the guns and moves on. Soon he reaches a circular room with elevators and stories of open air and jail cell walkways above him; the center of Star's End. That's when even more and more guards surround him and blocking every exit, trapping him in the middle. He puts on his most ornery face, eyes flaring with rage)

Ermy: You piles of s*** are the sorriest bunch of soldiers I ever did see! Not one of you is even fit to carry a pea shooter! Now drop and give me fifty before looking me in the eye!

(Intimidated, the Combine drop their guns and get onto the ground, whimpering and doing push-ups. Ermy looks upward)

Ermy: Your friends are way up there. (Reaches back and pulls Squishy to his front with both hands) I'll keep these maggots busy while you rescue them. Sound like a plan?

Squishy: Yeah, but when do I start coming up with the plan?

Ermy: Starting now.

(He drops the Jawa and punts him yelling straight up. The Jedi, meanwhile, look around for the sudden shouting, but then a brown blur shoots up past their cell, only to fall back down and land hard before the bars, groaning)

Jo: Great googily moogily! I must have already gone insane from the boredom!

Sara: Squishy! You're alive!

Cope: How did I know this was going to happen?

(Squishy struggles to get up, rubbing his head and getting to the bars to open the door)

Squishy: We got to get out of here, guys. That psycho rigged this place with explosives on the outside, so we need to get back to the Sparrow.

Will: What psycho?

Squishy: I'll explain later. (Opens door) Let's go!

(So they escape the exploding prison in the Sparrow, while Ermy is outside drilling the surviving guards mercilessly around the burning complex. Some time later, we find our heroes on the bridge of Home One with the rest of the fleet. After some explanations and grateful hugging)

Sara: Oooooooh, Squishy! How wonderful it is that you're actually alive!

Squishy: Yes, yes, I know. I thought you were done with the hugging, already.

Will: A coma, huh? Don't know how that could summon a guy like R. Lee Ermy, though.

Squishy: I dunno, either. The universe is just whack like that. (Winks at screen)

Jo: Well at least it's nice to know I'm not imagining things.

Chris: Squishy! (Walks in) Welcome back, my friend. Quite the sticky wicket you got yourself into back there, eh? Takes me back to my days of being kicked around... no wait, I was the one doing the kicking.

Ackbar: If you're all done reacquainting with each other, we must go to the meeting room to find out our next plan of attack. Joseph, I would like you to do the honors in getting everyone up to date on the situation.

Jo: Wait, huh? Why me?

Anna: Face of the group, remember?

Will: Reinstatement, dude.

Jo: Oh... Well heck yeah. Let's do this!

(Inside a meeting room where Jo has finished his briefing)

Jo: So in short, we're definitely fighting cosplayers, and they're deadlier and craftier than the previous Fan Boys.

Pilot 1: So what do we do about it?

Will: We now know their head of command has moved to Coruscant, which of course is under their control.

Pilot 2: So let's go in and blast 'em!

Cope: It's not as simple as that. These guys are much more cunning than we thought, and are bound to have a good defense array around that planet.

Ackbar: And we happen to have data on such an array. Lights please. (Lights dim) Some days ago, we sent scout ships to the planet to see if the populace had in fact been replaced with cosplayers. In order to do that, the planetary shields had to go down, and fortunately we had the codes to override them. Yet what they found above the surface was much more troubling. (Show a picture of a dark warrior wearing all black, including a black batwing helmet, real large batwings, and a black guitar thing in one hand and pure red eyes) This is a picture of an unknown warrior that single-handedly destroyed our three scout ships. (Switches pictures) In this shot, we see him firing lightning at one ship that is being shot from his odd instrument. (Switches off display) Those ships could withstand any amount of small arms fire. If one person could decimate three ships, then who knows what else they have on that standby. Which is why we have delayed a counterattack as of now.

Squishy: (Slams fist) Those bas****s!

Anna: What's up, Squish?

Squishy: They're already using his powers for evil, I can't believe it! They must be stopped, and the only way is to fight fire with fire! (To everyone) Listen up, peeps! We're taking back that planet _right now_ and ending this rabble immediately!

Jo: Sheesh, Squishy, what's got the fire under your pants?

Squishy: ...Something very dear to my heart being misused for malcontent, is all.

Will: You saw those pictures, Squish. How do you plan on fighting that, exactly?

Squishy: Exactly as I said before. But first, we must stop by Telti. There's a "package" there that I've been meaning to pick up for some time now.

Cope: Why do I have the feeling I'm going to regret this in some way?

(Turn to Coruscant surface. The cityscape goes on without rest and trouble as if nothing ever happened. But some shadows appear and move across the surface. Some of the populace stops to see what's up to see a most troubling sight. Spiraling down and stopping in the air, there hovers a saucer-like machine with four pincer arms and piloted by Squishy in a glass cockpit. Accompanying him are the other Jedi in smaller saucers and the music from stage 2 of Gitaroo Man. After some fancy arm gestures Squishy sends the other saucers unto the populace where they start shooting red lasers. Then the sign Charge quickly appears and the vocals are played. As the music goes on Squishy pulls out a guitar and plays through the song. About halfway through the Charge Phase, Republic ships descend and start firing missiles. Also while Squishy is charging, a black figure zooms through the airways toward our attackers. After pulling off a long riff the warrior appears before the ships and Squishy leaves his vessel to face the dark man on the walkways. But then the music abruptly stops)

Squishy: Okay Mr. Badguy, I know your game. We play your way, we lose by default. So we're gonna mix it up with a little "Osu" action. Hit it, guys!

(The other Jedi switch on some radios, with large speakers jutting out of their saucers)

Radio: H-H-He-LLOOOO! This is Porno Graffiti Music Hour, Rock Out Station. Stay Tuuuuned!

(Suddenly the bumpin' beats of the song "Music Hour" fill the air, confusing the demon guy and causing Squishy to bop to the rhythm)

Squishy: Alright, let's play!

(The battle commences, except as the music plays, circles appear on screen and get tapped in sequence to the music, generating points as Squishy grooves along to the Japanese tunes. The guitar-wielding demon is befuddled by this shift in gameplay style, and flouders about before the musical assault. All the while the Republic ships continue blasting cosplayer reinforcements and the Jedi set about rescuing prisoners. Towards the song's finale, the demon stops and sees that everything is pretty much under Republic control again. It shakes a fist then flies away. However, Squishy spots a missile coming in from a Republic cruiser and hops atop it, riding it after the fleeing foe. He sings off the rest of the song as the demon gets bombarded by the recurring score counter, and when the vocals finish, Squishy kicks off from the missile, sending it right into the demon and obliterating him to dust)

Radio: This program was brought to you by Porno Graffiti. See you next time.

(Squishy lands onto a walkway and pulls out a comm link)

Squishy: Alright, Ackbar. Defenses are nil. Bring the rest of the ships closer in for attack. (To Jedi) Okay guys! Time to take the Imperial Palace! Zowio should be in there!

(He gets sucked back up into his saucer, and the team fly off. The ships move in on the Palace as "Dollet Landing" music plays)

Will: We're almost there.

(As they approach, the entrance guards rush out)

Squishy: Alright. Eject and... Jazz Hands!

(They leap from their crafts and jazz hand their way through the ranks and into the lobby. It is completely deserted)

Anna: Odd. I was expecting more resistance.

Jo: I guess those guys we passed were the only resistance.

(They rush to the elevators. Before they reach the buttons)

?: So, thought you were done with me yet, eh, Jedi?

Cope: Oh for the love of GOD NOO! Not you again!

?: Oh please! That Kirk-wannabe never amounted to anything!

(From the shadows comes a guy dressed in a humongous Death Star costume)

Sara: Oh, good. It's just another dumb cosplayer.

?: I am no cosplayer! I am just using this fool's body for the moment. In truth, I am the very spirit of the Death Star!

Anna: Psah! Yeah right.

Jo: Sure, guy.

?: You ingrates neglect me in all your episodes, when I alone made the entire Star Wars franchise so popular. Without me there would be no Star Wars or fan fiction for Star Wars. Just a bunch a nerds sitting around watching crap like Star Trek all day.

Cope: You take that back, punky!

Anna: Alex! Chill, relax. He's just baiting you like a common internet troll, which he most likely is.

?: And the biggest disgrace you have done to me was the misuse of my license. Some time ago you "originally" created something called the Galactic Doom. But the truth was that you stole my concept and multiplied it by 13! That's serious copyright infringement! So, rather than settle this in court, I'm going to settle this by melting you all off the face of this galaxy!

Will: Whoa whoa whoa, bud. First off, Pickles made the Doom, not us. And second, why should we care?

Jo: Yeah, you're just some loser fan boy pretending to be the Death Star. You can tell by just looking at you. What with those crappy curves and the fake durasteel coating and that lightbulb in the cannon that's getting brighter and brighter and... hey, that is pretty bright. Where'd you get that? I might need it on the Falcon someda-

Squishy: Jo! Look out!

(Knocks Jo down as a blast barely misses him and disintegrates a pillar. That's Cope's cue to rush the guy and slash with a saber, only to be knocked back by some powerful shield)

?: Ha, mortals! Have you forgotten!? I'm the flippin' Death Star! I have the most powerful shields known in the whole freakin' galaxy! I'm untouchable you nubs! Wahahaha! (Will puts his hand to his mouth and contemplates) Hey... what're you thinking about? What are you planning to do-

(Gets hit with a green burst that shorts out his shields, then drops like a sack of potatoes from a quick shot in the head. Turn back to Jedi where Jo is holding a cooling Plasma Pistol and Will is holding an Assault Rifle)

Will: Noob Combo, b***h! (Lowers rifle) Maybe if you were 200 times your size you'd be invincible. Yet at your current height, a simple Plasma Pistol will make you about as untouchable as anyone else on this planet. (Throws down rifle) Come on, guys. Let's roll.

(They go into the elevator. Meanwhile the city, airways are crowded with fighting ships and land turrets. The Republic ships move closer and closer to the Palace. In orbit on Home One)

Ackbar: That's it, men. We almost have it completely surrounded.

(Yet the building starts to shake, then it blasts off from its foundation and shoots up to the sky. Soldiers all around look in stunned disbelief as it escapes the atmosphere. On the elevator there is shaking)

Anna: You know, the last time that happened, something bad had gone down.

Jo: Whatever. We'll take it as it comes.

(The doors open. They walk in to find a cavernous room with the interior designs and decorations of a huge cathedral but with no pews)

Will: What the heck is this?

?: It's like I say: home is where the imagination is. (Zowio walks out onto the level in front of them) So you made it. And caused quite a mess at that.

Sara: Zowio you freak, this all ends now!

Zowio: So you want to take me on? As I recall, you were on the verge of giving up all hope, am I right?

Squishy: Leave her alone. The time for psych-outs is long over.

Zowio: Ah, Squishy. Still alive I see? I thought it would turn out this way. Nothing unforetold, beat for beat.

Jo: What do you mean?

Zowio: Silence! You came for a fight, correct? Well as you said, the time for talk has ended. (Pulls off and drops cape) You will now see the true power of Gregorio the III, fully harnessed by this very cathedral. Hope you're good with that guitar, Jawa. A fairly convincing imitation, don't you think?

Squishy: (Pulls out guitar) Look who's talking!

Zowio: Touché. But a sharp tongue will not save you in this battle. En garde!

(They commence in a recreation of Stage 8 of Gitaroo Man, with Zowio conducting an invisible orchestra and Squishy strumming off heavy metal riffs. After the first Attack Phase)

Zowio: Curse my delayed Attack Phase! Come forth, creepy choir boys!

(Scary, lifeless choir boys appear, but Squishy destroys them during the Charge and Attack phases. Then Zowio starts his attack using lasers set to a Jazz organ. It continues as normal yet Squishy's attacks also destroy plenty of the scenery, revealing the original interior beneath it. At the end of Battle only the back wall remains of the church and Zowio is cornered. For the Final Phase, Zowio deflects all of Squishy's attacks to the wall. The wall crumbles and cracks and after Squishy's final riff it implodes into nothingness. Finally revealed is a bare wall containing a large window and a throne in front of it. Outside we see space, the planet and the remainder of the Republic's fleet)

Zowio: As you can see, we are now in Coruscant orbit. Things were looking a bit hot on the surface, so I had us lifted somewhere a little more quiet.

Will: It won't make much difference. Your empire is done, and all that's left is you.

Zowio: Oh, don't be so sure about that. You see, we still have one warrior left. One to exceed the powers of all you faced before. He's even close to meeting my skills.

Cope: Yeah right. If you want to be convincing, you'd say he far exceeds you.

Zowio: Hey! Is this your introductory speech or what? Now no interruptions! Ah-hem. (Signals to throne) Arise! Greatest Cosplay Warrior!

(A heavily robed figure rises slowly from the throne. It then slowly moves forward and stops before the Jedi as ominous music plays)

Squishy: (In thoughts) Huh... someone actually cosplayed the Emperor? This is going to be interesting.

(The figure then tosses off it's robes to reveal himself as... Michael Jackson!, to the shock of the Jedi and the glee of Zowio. He then goes about dancing to one of this songs)

Michael: OOOOh! Shamona, b****es!

Cope: Oh please for the sake of ******* God NOOOOOOOOO!

Zowio: Yes! The King of Pop shall help me become the King of the Universe!

Squishy: Oh no you don't! Oh, no, you, don't! I've been meaning to do this for sooooo long! Okay, Michael! Let's just see who really is bad! Come on guys! LET'S HUSTLE!

(They then go into a dance-off to end all dance-offs between good and Michael Jackson while set to "Thriller". They go about making fresh moves and dances and slides and the electricity of the face off simply fills the air! After the song they stop with poses to catch their breaths)

Will: Well... had enough... punk?

Zowio: Oh, but the party's just starting. We still need more guests. (Pulls out walkie-talkie) Send them in. (Puts it away. On the Home One)

Tech: Sir!

Ackbar: What is it?

Tech: Our surrounding sensors are off the charts! Incoming ships in the dozens!

Ackbar: From where?

Tech: Everywhere!

(Suddenly dozens upon dozens of ships descend upon the fleet in one big circle after popping from hyperspace)

Ackbar: May the Force have mercy on all of us...

(Back to a shocked Jedi dance squad)

Anna: What The ****!?

Zowio: Now Michael! While they're distracted!

Jo: Huh!?

(Michael then dances super fast at a pace to which the Jedi barely keep up. In time one by one of them are flung aside by the dance until Squishy is left. He is now kneeling and panting. Michael then does a super spin and performs 3 pelvic thrusts that sends Squishy flying)

Micahel: Heeey, heeeey! No one can dethrone the King, baby!

Squishy: Ughh... (Get up on elbows) You are not the King... but you do have skills.

Zowio: Face it. Your precious fleet is as good as scrap, and you're no match for the true power of Cosplaying. Give up now and I can make you all my lowly but still-living servants.

Squishy: ...

Zowio: Come now, what do you say?

Squishy: ... (In mind) D****t! I can't believe this! Done in again by something I love! What am I to do? It's all hopeless!

Ancestor1: Don't give up so quickly, little one.

Squishy: Huh? What're you doing in my mind?

Ancestor1: I'm part of your subconscious, fool! Now listen: you can't lose hope so soon. You have something on backup, don't you?

Squishy: No! I have nothing!

Ancestor1: Okay, then think: what kept Luke going at the end of Episode 6?

(Squishy thinks a bit and then)

Squishy: No...

Ancestor1: That is what will see you through.

(Beeping is heard from Zowio)

Zowio: (Pulls out walkie) What is it? I'm busy!

Tech: It's important, sir! We've got incoming enemy ships. It's massive! It's almost in the hundreds!

Zowio: WHAT!?

(They all look out. From the depths of space comes a huge fleet of Republic, Ssi-Ruuk and a bunch of other odd ships. In the lead is Jawa Home, where standing on the bow proudly is Chris.)

Chris: (Shooting out arm) FIRE!

(Every ship fire a massive volley that takes out about half of the enemy fleet. The fleet converges on the enemy and starts blasting. Back to the shocked and hateful stares of Jackson and Zowio)

Michael: Ooooooh. Things ain't looking good for Michael's Possehhh!

(There is beeping from Squishy. He holds up his wrist to show a video watch with a lizard in shades on it)

Steezy: Hey, Squishy! Sorry we took so long; looks like you needed the help. Where you at, man?

Squishy: Steezy! There's no time! Quickly upload my songs onto my i-Star, stat!

Steezy: You got it dude. (Signs out)

Zowio: Hey. What do you think you're doing?

Squishy: Okay Jackson. (Puts on i-Pod lookalike) You may be good at pop, but what about other genres? (Other Jedi put on i-Pods) Time to end this now.

Zowio: This... doesn't look good.

(The Jedi hold stances in a row, then the backdrop becomes a green screen and the Jedi are silhouettes of themselves. They then go about doing i-Pod dances to various song tracks. Tracks included are "Bee Jam Blues", "Get Down Tonight", Metroid Disco Mix, Super Mario Land Dance Mix, the guitar solo at the end of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and "Mr. Sandman". They each perform their own unique moves, such as Cope's outrageous headspin. Also with each track Michael gets disoriented and flustered trying to keep up while parts of his costume come off, including his nose. Back in space where the battle wages on, we find Chris on Jawa Home overlooking things)

Tech: Sir! More ships are coming in from hyperspace!

Chris: Very well, let them come. It'll just make things a little more interesting around here. Franz Ferdinand this!

(On the station the gang reaches the end of "Take Me Out", where they combine their moves for the ultimate dance. Michael continues flailing around losing more of his costume. At the end of the song the Jedi spin together to form a huge whirlwind that rattles Michael to the ground. When they're done everything returns to normal. The man on the floor is revealed as the sham he is)

Michael: Please. No more. I don't want to do this anymore. It's so stupid.

Squishy: It's over, Zowio. This is it.

(Zowio stands there growling. Then he looks up yelling)

Zowio: NOOOO! IT CAN'T BE! I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO THAT ****** PLANET OF OURS! D**N YOU JEDI! D**N YOU ALL! I WILL RULE THIS GALAXY AND IT'S GONNA BE IN STYLE!

(Throws a hat onto Michael's head, bringing back his mojo. Then Zowio leaps onto him and in a flash of transforms into a tall, shiny Robo-Jackson!)

Robo: FINE! SINCE MY FOLLOWERS ARE INEPT TO DO IT, I SHALL DESTROY YOUR PATHETIC FLEET MYSELF! GRAHAHAHAHA!

(Teleports out of room and outside of window where he zips off to the battle)

Sara: Oh crap! We can't let him get to the fleet!

Jo: But there's no way of getting out of here.

Squishy: No. There's still one way. Bust our your rings guys.

Cope: Oh, do we have to? (No answer) Fiiine.

(They connect rings on their fingers)

All: With our powers combine, we morph intoooooooooo... Liberty! (In great epileptic flashes they fuse into the ultimate figure of freedom: The Statue of Liberty, holding a torch lightsaber! She teleports out into space and chases Robo-Jackson. Once caught up they engage in a battle like Stage 10 of Gitaroo Man, where each combatant gives off screeching guitar riffs set to an intense score. They fight in space and then through the battle area, dodging laser fire, zipping through fighters and even flying through the insides of an exploding capital ship. Finally they fly above the battle for the Final Phase and engage in much heated melee action. After Liberty's final riff comes a final saber slash that expels Zowio and sends him shooting to the station. Meanwhile Robo-Jackson falls to the remainder of the Cosplay fleet where it detonates and takes em all out, to which Liberty holds up her torch as lightning strikes. It then flies back to the station. Inside the Jedi return to normal to find a tattered, dying Zowio before them)

Anna: Are you done yet?

Zowio: (Coughs some blood) Br... bravo, Jedi... (Coughs) You have bested me for good. I'm done for...

Sara: Great! Now peace can finally reign again!

Zowio: Don't be so sure, little lady.

Will: Huh? What was that?

Zowio: Yes. Peace won't last long. Something else will come up soon.

Squishy: What the freak are you talking about? Are there more of you guys!?

Zowio: Not that I know of. But... he'll cook something up. As long as he oversees things, there will never be true peace. Just one interstellar threat after another.

Cope: Who? Who are you talking about?

Zowio: Heh heh heh... enjoy your break while it lasts. He'll send something worse your way reeeeal soon. Guhhh... (Dies and disappears)

Jo: What the freak was that about? What guy?

Sara: Could he have been delusional?

Will: I don't know. But he sounded pretty confident about new threats. What do you think, Squish? Squish?

(Squishy is just standing there with his head down. Then he raises it with an evil look)

Squishy: Oh... Just... Freakin' Lovely! He just had to go and blab it all out!

Sara: Squishy!?

Squishy: It was going to be a regular ending if he hadn't talked. I should've hit him with lightning if I knew he was going to do all this. Ah well. Time to fix this mess.

(Squishy groans and kneels as his body convulses, then he gets flung up and slams into the ceiling, only to fly back down into the ground. He bounces around the room as though possessed, until finally smashing aside the throne and stopping before the large window. He stands up and holds up his arms, straining as something gurgles within. Then suddenly)

Squishy: Come on, Everybody! WOOO!

(Steam blasts out from every hole in his robes, obscuring the air with mist as swing music starts to play. Suddenly a swarm of Jawas rush in, passing by the stunned Jedi. They hurry about the room rigging up props and lights, and eventually they have two large spotlights set up and turned on. They focus the beams onto the center of the steam cloud, which has cleared away to reveal a tall man in a white suit with a white tophat and spiffy cane. He raises his head and reveals himself as... The Contractor!)

Cont: OK, Mr. Sunshine!

Jawa: Nanaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari Damacy!

Cont: Nanaaaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari on the Swing!

Jawa: Nanaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari Damacy

Cont: Nanaaaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari on the Swing

Ima, hajimaru yo ki-mi to

Boku noooooooooo! Mitai-ken ado-venture!

(He begins to groove around the "stage" as he sings some more)

Cont: Sky, tershi-te yo. Ohisama wa bokura no Spotolighto sa.

Oh smile, kikoeru yo. Tokai no shareru Swingu Beato

Odoru yo Dance! Dance! Dance!

Kurukuru mawaru. Kumo wo tsukinukete.

Kimi to... Korogarita-iiiiiiiii!

Ai no kake-ra wo atsume, sora ni ukabeyouuuuuuuu, Oh Yeah.

OK, Mr. Sunshine!

Jawa: Nanaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari Damacy!

Cont: Nanaaaa! Nanana nanananana Bokura no Symphony!

Jawa: Nanaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari Damacy!

Cont: Nanaaaa! Nanana nanananana Hajikeru fantasy!

Ima, hajimaru yo ki-mi to

Boku noooooooooo! Mitai-ken ado-venture!

All: (Jazz hands) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

(Contractor discards his tophat and cane before leaping down to the floor. Upon landing he begins tap-dancing, and when he pauses a Jawa at the drums plays a bit, followed by more show-off tap-dancing. The tapping and drum beats intensify)

Cont: Come on!

(He taps rapidly around the room to the relentless drumbeat, weaving past the mesmerized Jedi and making his way to the other end of the room. He abruptly stops, holds still, then spins around at the drop of the bongos. The floorspace had magically become a garden party, with tables, refreshment stations and Jawa waiters carrying around cocktail wienies and drinks. As piano and horns play, Contractor casually struts about among the Jedi, speaking to their stunned looks as he passes by)

Cont: Ah welcome, all of you. Jo, so good to see you; bounty-hunting doing well? Did you lose weight, Anna? Still tall as ever, Copeland. And Will and Sara, always the cute couple. (Grabs a drink from a passing waiter, then checks an imaginary watch with a start) Ohp, gotta run. Great seeing ya!

(He dashes back up to the stage, where a spiral slide and ladder has been erected. He climbs the ladder to the top, and once there he tosses to wave at the Jedi with a smile, then downs his drink and tosses the glass before going down the slide. He spirals downward, breaking out of a paper net emblazoned with a giant blue "C" and wearing a white tuxedo. He rushes up to the front of the stage and brings up a microphone to resume singing before a bright spotlight, in front of a massive theater of Jawa that had materialized from nowhere)

Cont: Tonight, terahi-te yo. Hoshi zora wa bokura no Bulacku Righto sa.

Tuxedo (horns), oshareshi-te (horns). Odorou bokura no rhythm de Hayariiiiii

No Step, Step Step!

Kaze kitte mawaru. Shisen wa kugizuke saaaaa.

Kimi no... Katamari-taiiiii

Futari wa un-mei-no naka ni-ma-ki komaretaaaaandaaa, Oh Yeah.

OK Mr. SUNSHIIINE!

Jawa: Nanaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari Damacy

Cont: Nanaaaa! Nanana nanananana Tokimeki Destiny.

Jawa: Nanaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari Damacy

Cont: Nanaaaa! Nanana nanananana Yappari I Love You!

Kyou mo, dokoka de de-ai-ii

Umareru AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Hi ni ya-ke-ta hada.

(Drums play out and Contractor and Jawa jazz hands once more. With a final blast of a horn, the room returns to its previous state, leaving just the Contractor standing before the overturned throne in his original white suit, breathing heavily with arms raised and a massive smile on his face. The Jedi only look on in utter speechlessness, until)

Anna: ...Was that all really necessary?

Cont: Obviously! I'm your God, for Pete's sake! I have to make impressions you know.

Sara: Why are you here, and what have you done to Squishy? Give back Squishy!

Cont: Oh, fine. Ignore the elaborate show I put on for you benefit like it was nothing. Because you obviously do such things _waaaay _better. But, I suppose it's only fair for everyone to be present, so here you go. (Vomits up Squishy who tumbles back to the Jedi) Ugh... I've got to stop doing that.

Sara: Squishy! Are you okay?

Squishy: Uhhhhh... was I just in a music number?

Will: You sure were.

Anna: A d**n impressive one.

Cont: Thank you! Someone who appreciates the finer arts, despite appearances.

Jo: So why are you here anyway?

Cont: What? Can't your creator stop by to observe your handiwork every once in a while? I'm mildly offended.

Squishy: No... That stuff you made me say. What was that about Zowio blabbing?

Cont: Oh fine, you've caught me. I admit it: I did those things.

Will: What things?

Cont: Why, everything, dear William. The Fanboys; Kangaroo; the summoning of Lavos; Chris blowing up those planets under Henry's control; these cretins. Yeah, I did it. I was behind it all.

Sara: But why? All those people dead! Planets destroyed! For what reason did you do it!?

Cont: Hey, it's all for the ratings, baby. Which brings me to another point. Hey, I know you all must be shocked by this, but listen for me for a bit.

Cope: I think I'm gonna be sick...

Cont: (Snaps fingers) Now you're not. Now pay attention! You see, Star Warz has always been a parody series spoofing pop culture I like. But lately, things have gotten a little more serious and emotional, beginning with the second trilogy. Well, the reason for that is that I'm getting tired of the comedy biz. Lately I've been thinking of doing more serious, dramatic pieces. Then it hit me: I shall make this universe more mature. So this is why I made trilogy numero tres.

Anna: And what's the point of this trilogy, exactly? I'm not really following.

Cont: To set into motion my grand scheme, of course. The first step was to bring Ssi-Ruuk into the picture. I believed they were key for my plan. As for the Cosplayers, they were just a plot filler to hide my intentions. If that Zowio hadn't talked then this trilogy would've ended just as normal, going on into Phase 2.

Jo: So what is this grand plan of yours?

Will: Why are the Ssi-Ruuk so important?

Cont: For 8 simple syllables: Intergalactic Cross-Breeding.

Squishy: (Counts off fingers) Six, seven... my god! He's right!

Cope: What did you just say!?

Cont: You heard me! You see, I've always had a thing for stories about an outcast to its own race who strives and comes out on top, and I've also had a thing for lizards. So I planned on having a Ssi-Ruuk and an alien in this galaxy fall in love in the next trilogy. In time, they mate and the female shall be pregnant. Now rather than have the child be a hideous freak of nature, I will use my powers to shape it into a smooth crossbreed like the dog I own in my world. Then the tale begins: an extraterrestrial crossbreed despised by all who, is really a gentle soul at heart. It will go on to travel the galaxy, grow up and find love and equality for all races in the galaxy. It shall be emotionally riveting and a tear-jerker at many points! No longer shall I be called a hack as I wrought unto the world the greatest nuance drama ever! I'll prove to everyone just how serious and emotional I can be, even if I must wreck the universe that I built from scratch! Face it: I'm going to create something new and beautiful and it's going to involve lizard sex. Now, submit to the changes and things shall go smoothly for all of you.

(After some stunned silence)

Anna: ... Do you realize how much of a sick mother-jumper you are!?

Jo: Screw you, Contractor! We ain't letting you mess with us for your sicko experiment!

Cont: Haaaa... you just don't realize that you have no voice in this. And another thing: I'm done with all that Contractor crap. From now on, I shall be know as: (Rips off suit to reveal casual clothing) Connor! (Strikes pose) Ace Director!

Squishy: Okay, but to let you know, you're not going to do anything around here without us putting up a fight!

Cont: Why, Squishy, you're actually defying me? And to think, you were my very perfect translation into Jawa form. Where'd I go wrong?

Squishy: By being such an ominous and meany overlord, that's where!

Cont: Heheheheheh... very well. If it's a fight you want, a fight you'll get. This shall be the ultimate turning point in my dream: the destruction of my former, poorer creations!

Anna: (Looking to comrades) Are you all sure about this?

Jo: Of course. If they can do it in God of War, so can we.

Will: I've never heard of that game.

(They all whip out sabers)

Sara: Time to end this!

Cope: About friggin' time!

Squishy: Okay, Connor! Here we come!

Cont: Then prepare for the greatest fight of your existence. Oliolioooooooo!

(To the boss theme from Bomberman Jetters, the Jedi rush at him and start fighting. Contractor teleports around giving off blows and floating around spouting taunts, at one point landing atop Anna's outstretched saber and delivering a kick to her face. The Jedi manage to gang up and stab him, but he throws them back and warps them to a blue stratosphere, where everyone freefalls amidst powerful winds)

Cont: Too breezy for ya, Jedi? (Wind whips at his thin hair) Aiie! My bald spot!

(The Jedi reorient and bash him groundward, which abruptly sprouts bamboo forests. Suddenly Contractor appears in a kappa costume, whirling around a sword and lunging at the Jedi. He slashes wildly at them, but Will kicks him through some trees, which collapse and give rise to several skyscrapers. Contractor then becomes Agent Smith, and fires off some slo-mo bullets while firing himself off like a cannon. Sara and Anna slice through him, and everyone gets teleported to the stae of a saloon, where a can-can line comes by with Contractor riding atop it. After surviving the chorus girls, the Jedi then find themselves in a limbo conga line, with Contractor playing the beat on metal drums. He leaps down and kicks the limbo pole at Jo, but he kicks it back and knocks the deranged god into another warp. The battle fields change, as do Contractor's attacks, which include Ultima, saxophone, baseballs, bats, Pokéballs, Dragon Balls, Pong paddles, the Moon, Tingle, and even Binary Code Disruptions. Yet the Jedi keep up with each change. Soon everything becomes a blur of changing battlefields until things go black. Then the screen turns white and the Jedi appear on an empty plain. Contractor appears behind them, and Squishy rushes him only to slash emptiness. Contractor reappears in front, and the Jedi slash nothing again. This happens three more times. When he doesn't appear again, the Jedi look around in confusion until)

Jo: Come out you coward! Come out and die like a man!

_Mwahahahaha! Fools! I can't believe you haven't figured it out yet!_

Squishy: Huh? Narrator!? What are you doing here?

_You idiots! I WAS the Contractor this entire time! It'd only make sense to have the creator narrate his own story. And no matter how many times you try to kill me in your world, my true form will always be typing this story! I'm untouchable, mortals!_

Anna: I guess he was responsible for that Death Star dude.

Will: Come on, guys. We must think; there must be some way to beat him.

_Go ahead and waste your time. You'll never figure it out!_

Sara: Hey wait! I just noticed something. Around his last exclamation mark.

_What!? What's you talkin' about? Stop lying you liar!_

Sara: There! I saw a finger tip make those exclamation marks!

_What!? NO! You saw nothing! Go back to wallowing away in this wasteland!_

Squishy: Now I get it! This is the end of the universe: where all the magic is made.

_Wait! That's wrong! Succumb to despair and die already! Just shut up!_

Squishy: Alright, master. This is going to be personal. Heheheheh...

_Hey! What are you doing? Get away from there! NOO! Don't reach for it! HEY! Get off my keyboard you midget! Struggle Struggle Struggle Struggle Struggle Now you're on my hand! Get back to your world already!_

Squishy: So this is the hand of God, eh? Seems pretty fleshy. I wonder what a lightsaber can do to it?

_Don't you even dare you Snuggle reieddadfgapofh9pbu89 uzabbsdb_

_Ow! You son of a *****! You better not do_ ;._hhgkhgohainshbiushfbvuvbaaffhssv Ah ****!_

_Stop it already! No! Don't!_ **)_HJHOtwghf_hihaafkl chv_ofvag b_

_Gah!_

4579trw98ghweiuhsjgbsfhge****8f9uirqhgipgfjbm kswngoajkfnbfs

[Transcriber's note: ungodly mess of gibberish]

_RAAAAAAAAHHH! FHIGUHNAaoinbljoighpjsgibin spg eu hsrbss eu mh a isb; J_

_No stop! Please! I surrender! Just stop stabbing me already! Oh God the agony! It's all real!_

Squishy: Good! Now send me back. (Squishy leaps back into world of fiction)

_Fine. Congratulations. You just broke the 4th wall and made a ******* bloody mess of my hand! So I'll grant you one wish._

Squishy: I feel jipped. Do I have to get back up there?

_NOOOOOO! For the love of God DON'T! Fine! You can have whatever you want. What's your first command?_

Squishy: Peace. No more of these Republic-threatening enemies until we're feeling up for some action.

_Fine! Sheesh! What else do you need?_

Squishy: Stay the freak away from the Ssi-Ruuk! If there's gonna be romance, it's not going to be because of you! Also, no more of this drama crap!

Will: Yeah!

_What!? But...! Ohhhhhhhh! Fine! Back to comedy I go. Now what?_

Squishy: A fitting ending to all this.

_Finally: Something we can agree on! I have just the thing in mind. Hang on to your butts, cause this is going to get awesome._

(Switch to Coruscant where it's night and things are quiet. All around the place are posters announcing "The Jedi Live Heal The Galaxy" Concert. Turn to a sky arena where everyone is gathered and various ships oversee it from above including Home One and Jawa Home. On stage are the Jedi with electric guitars and Steezy at drums. When the lights shine on them they begin playing "When You Were Young" by The Killers, with Jo providing vocals as the credits roll. As the music plays, speakers across the galaxy remove all traces of the Cosplay attack. Plus, the music bring back the 13 planets destroyed in Episode ∞. After the final riff there is a huge ovation from the planet's citizens and the band gives a bow when the credits end. Meanwhile, on an asteroid on the edge of the galaxy, a tall man sees the events through a huge telescope, accompanied by a short lady)

Henry: Dang it! I can't believe they didn't invite me!

Kayla: But aren't you dead in this galaxy?

Henry: Yeah. Stupid Steven and his story-writing. I'll show them. I'll show them all!

Kayla: That's right. Self-confidence is key to anything.

Henry: (Makes commanding pose) Once my Halo 2/5 is complete, we'll see who the real creative genius really is! Mwahahahaha! (Lightning strikes)

Kayla: Right... I'm going to watch Inuyasha now.

Henry: (Grumbling) I'll kill that dog for taking my woman's attention from me.

Kayla: What was that!?

Henry: Nothing, dear! (Runs off)

**The End..?**


End file.
